How Depression Makes Me Feel

I love writing, I love being someone who openly talks about suffering from depression and being seen as someone who helps others talk about mental health. Whilst I don’t use my blog as much as I need to I often post on my Facebook page and it generates plenty of discussion. I have people who always contribute on there and it inspires me to continue when at other times I feel like if I disappeared from view no one would notice, of course that’s bollocks but an example of the lies depression tells you.

Since the start of December I have been on a downward spiral, out of control at times and emotionally burnt out and its noticeable the changes in my personality caused by the black dog.

I’m naturally outgoing and gregarious and crave attention (there I said it!) I love being around people and bounce off of them. However at times I go from one extreme to the other, either quiet and sullen or more and more outrageous. In fact there are times when I’ve gone so far past over the line that I can no longer see it…..

It stems from low self esteem, wanting to be liked and loved….

I know that i have great people in my life who want me to be happy and who watch out for me and I’m lucky in this regard. I’m loyal to those people and will do anything for them.

When I am down like this I feel insignificant, almost like an irritant to people. I struggle with the concept of 400+ people liking my page, 600 people following this blog and being considered as inspirational to others, especially as I took such a long break from this part of my life.

I need to go back to my roots in terms of coping with depression and stripping myself down (photos available on request)….

I’m hurting, have been hurting for a long time and throwing myself into cocktails is not the answer. I’ve always been able to enjoy myself without the need of enough alcohol to stun a moose yet I’ve drunk more in the last 8 weeks than i have in the past 8 years. I can take or leave drink though, im not concerned by it although others have expressed their fears.

I’m big and ugly enough to acknowledge my mistakes and make amends to people I have wronged and apologise where necessary and yet there is one person I have never apologised to, one person Im nasty to and unforgiving to and thats myself.

So I need to be kind to me, to see myself how others see me. To not believe the things depression tells me I am And show people the real side of me, not just the front. Or at least give someone the opportunity to break down the walls without worrying about getting hurt….

And make this blog great again….

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The Power of Un

Two letters yet put together they can have such a negative affect on how we can feel, especially about ourselves..

Here are some examples

I feel Unloved, Unwanted, Unpopular, Unattractive, Unhappy.

The list is endless when it comes to recent events.

Yet I am Unable to Understand why my mood is so Unstable and why Unforeseen circumstances have made me so Unwelcome.

I thought I was Unforgettable but Unfortunately I was wrong.

I am Unimportant and Unknowingly subjected myself to an Unhealthy way of thinking with an Unlimited number of thoughts running through my head.

However it is Unlikely that things will improve until I Unlock and Unloosen the feelings I have been Unwilling to deal with, Unmask them and unravel them because I appear to have an Unrealistic approach to life at the moment.

Of course a lot of these feelings and emotions are Unreal because I still have things that are Unresolved.

The task now is to remove the UN from my life one step, feeling and emotion at a time.

Except for the following…

I am Unashamedly, Undeniably, Unquestionably…

UNIQUE!  

and for that I am Unapologetic

Nowhere To Hide

The whole point of this holiday was to escape from the issues back home, to try to clear my head and focus on moving forwards without you. Accepting that you don’t want me was the idea..to spend quality time with Brandon and David and his family.

Except I haven’t been allowed to switch off

So why ring me on 3 of the first 4 days?  In total I have had 4 phone calls in the time I have spent here, sure I get that Lilybet has missed her dad but then when she misses me and I’m back home I don’t get called this often to speak to her!

Are you ringing me because you miss me? if so for the love of God just say that and yet when I attempt to strike up a conversation with you via text you just ignore me after 2 messages, so it has to be when you want to talk to me and not the other way round?

I just don’t have you down as someone who plays games, the Sheryl I used to know wasn’t like this but maybe this is the new you?

You’re either reaching out to me in your own way or just simply trying to head fuck me, I would like to think it’s the former not the latter but to be perfectly honest I really do not know anymore but what I do know is that I deserve better than to be played like this when you know how vulnerable I am when it comes to you and Lilybet.

Even not answering your phone calls isn’t an option for me because I don’t want to upset Lilybet by not answering in case it is her calling.

So let me make this perfectly clear for the final time

Do I miss you and want you home? yes I really do

Am I sitting around waiting forever? not a chance, I am trying to move on with my life and get my head straight

You ended the marriage (via text!) not me, you told me you don’t love me anymore, you walked away, you took off your wedding rings after two days.

If you want me then YOU have to put the effort in to show me with actions not words, and if you don’t want that (as you have already said) then stop fucking with my head and my heart because it is simply not fair.