Help The Moose – SOM Save Our Moose

Ok ladies and gentlemen I come to you in desperate need of your help, ideas and advice.

My books are not selling! My new book has sold 1 copy on kindle, and 4 paperbacks – of those 4 paperbacks I have bought 2 of them and the person who bought the kindle edition also purchased the paperback so it means only 3 people have bought the new book.

I am humbly asking for your help in suggesting ways to promote the books as I obviously have no idea how to do it and as a result my confidence is at ground zero!

I did a free promotion on the poetry book which generated 75 “sales” but no additional sales as a result so is it worth me making Diary of The Depressed Moose book 1 free to try and get some interest in the 2nd book?

Ideas and suggestions needed because I am at my wits end checking the sales and not seeing the figures go up and this is not helping my mood.

Depression and the feeling of being a failure are not helped by people not wanting my books – yes I know its silly but that is how depression works.

Click here for my authors page on Amazon and check out the books, maybe you can come up with better ideas for the descriptions anything that helps is welcomed.

Advertisements

Down, Down, Deeper and Down

It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.

Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.

I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling  me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.

I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.

I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.

I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.

I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!

It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!

So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!

Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!

As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.

I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.

Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!

Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!

And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!

Feeling like a Failure

One of the things about depression I hate the most is that feeling of being a failure. I think of all the symptoms this is the one that drags me down the most of all.

 

I can handle, for the best part, most of the other symptoms except the negative ones. Always in the back of my mind is that little voice chirping away at my insecurities. In many ways I wish I had not published books because I am constantly checking for sales and seeing none makes my feelings of failure and worthlessness grow.

There has been sales though that’s the annoying thing about it – although not as many that I can start to employ a team of staff to cater to my every whim.

Below is an image of my smashwords dashboard which shows sales from my books

 

This does not take into account sales from Amazon or paperback sales which are all done separately  but as you can see Diary of The Depressed Moose has sold 13 copies since 10th August. However all my brain focuses on is that it has been downloaded 50 times. With smashwords you can preview 20% of the book and that counts as a download, this means that 37 people have downloaded the book and previewed it and then not purchased it. This makes that little voice scream failure.

Stepping into the Light has sold a lot more copies but 35 of them were free copies given to people who submitted poetry.

Try as hard as I can the positive fact that 13 people have purchased the book does not seem to get through to me.

I should be screaming from the roof tops with pride that I have sold 21 books overall shouldn’t I? so why can’t I do it?

The same logic applies to my time job hunting. In 18 months I applied for over 400 jobs and was only selected for 2 interviews! Failure or rejection do not work well in the mind of someone suffering from depression!

As you know I am attempting to write a novel, it is a romance one so would appeal to a wider audience but if the truth be told I am scared of completing it and self publishing it. The fear of it failing eats away at me, in the previous two weeks I had written an average of 10,000 words a week, and yet in the past 8 days I have written 2000. I am scared of what happens after I finish. I will have no other project to work on to take my mind away from depression, as well as my obsessive need to check sales reports several times a day!

Too interested in numbers is my curse, not being able to read between the lines and see the positive is my problem.

But the good news is I am not in denial of my issues 😀

I guess I am just too damn needy for my own good. Always seeking reassurance and validation of my writing will only drive me and my friends mad.

When I am low I am needy. Receiving praise seems to work wonders for me as it would anyone I guess.