Invisible Me…

Lately on Facebook I have started to feel like I am invisible to all but a select few people. I guess it comes from no longer playing mafia wars and therefor not having anything in common with most of the people who are still on my friends list (130 people).

One thing I have noticed about myself, especially on the days when I feel most depressed is how needy I am.  I like to feel like people are interested in me as a person and crave attention and affection. Let me give you an example of this, I posted the following as a status update on Facebook yesterday

“How would you know how I am, you never ask!”

This was posted over 24 hours ago and ONE person responded to it! one out of  130 “friends”!

I am the sort of person who doesn’t like always having to make the first contact because I feel like people should want to know how I am, as opposed to me forcing onto them. Does this make me a bad person? I have had this chat with many of my female friends on facebook and they all say it should be down to me to initiate contact but why should that be the case? Shouldn’t people who know I have depression be trying to see how I am?

My Facebook page dedicated to this blog has 85 “likes” and to me it pisses me off that some of my “friends” haven’t liked it. Why haven’t they? Would it really hurt them to take 1 minute out of their game playing time to click like? Because it hurts me that they haven’t!

This shows me how depression is really a lonely illness. We all need someone who is going to take 5 minutes and ask “how are you?” and really mean it, really want to know the truth as opposed to the automatic “I’m ok thank you” response. The more people who ask the better it makes us feel because we don’t want to feel like we are invisible. I am not going to rip your head off for asking neither am I going to open the flood gates and drown you with tears!

Later on I posted the following status message

Had a great day today for those who asked! 2 in a row here’s hoping it continues tomorrow!

In less than 10 hours 7 people have liked this and one person has commented.

What does this tell me? Quite simply that people are only interested in the “positive” comments and not the ones where they can sit there and roll their eyes thinking “here we go again Garry is in a mood”.

Now don’t get me wrong although this appears to be a rant its really an observation into how people deal with others with depression. I am sure some of you will comment about the same sort of issues, HINT HINT please comment :-). So I assume from now on the need to only post positive things will draw people back to me ?

I wonder how many of these people would notice if my account was suddenly deleted, would they care? would I be missed?

What I do know is that the wordpress community feels more like home to me these days than Facebook! So maybe you lot should be adding me on Facebook and keeping me busy 🙂

I am not invisible but on the depressed days I sure as hell feel like it!


Arghhhhhhh bored so bored!

I cant shake the feeling of being bored today, bored of what I am not 100% sure Facebook is losing its appeal, mafia wars is boring me, Twitter is annoying me. I want this blog to grow so badly but I don’t know how to improve it.

Why wont people read it when I spend all day whoring it out on facebook and twitter is it because of the subject matter? seems to be only football blogs matter on twitter so i need to reevaluate the people I follow on there if they are not prepared to read my posts because they are bloody good and surely a better read than “this person is joining that club” etc

One of the things about this site is the stats pages where it shows views by country and so far the USA is miles in front from the UK which shows me that my facebook friends are more interested than my twitter “followers”  so how do I publicise better? Is it just a case of word of mouth and waiting for the masses to arrive?

If your a fellow blogger like me please feel free to share some tips and ideas. Is upgrading and going pro the way to go? what am i missing? how do i get things like a contact tab let alone the all important donate link 😀

Patience is not a virtue I possess!

Anyways back to my boredom I have become a bit of a domestic god this week I have even set a new record of cooking dinner 3 nights in a row! and washed up and done the washing and walked to the shops and used the hoover! No wonder i am bored LOL  At least I had the football on TV tonight to keep me entertained besides the 3 year old wanting to jump all over me.

And why is it so damn hot in my flat! I hate the summertime my flat doubles as a sauna i sit here at the pc with sweat pouring off me! its a miracle i stay the size i am when its so hot in here! I will take the rain over the heat anyday of the week and call me a miserable bastard all you want i just cant deal with the heat.

Is it funny that I miss the company of some facebook friends who I have grown close to over the years? I love how people from such different walks of life are drawn together by an online game and develop into close friends despite never meeting but then they just stop logging into facebook and you never hear from them again, then you feel guilty because maybe you didn’t reply to a message or forgot a birthday. Besides my angel from texas I dont speak to anyone everyday and I used to have 5 or 6 people i could rely on daily to keep me amused!

Would be better if I had some friends in real life i could rely on but ho hum!

Anyways feels like the ramblings of a mad man today but i felt the need to write and moan LOL