Something has happened tonight but I don’t have an idea what it is.

I feel like one of two things is going to happen.

1. I am going to break down and cry

2. I am going to explode

I feel beaten tonight, earlier I was feeling great.

I don’t think I can cope anymore if the moods are going to change so rapidly.

Today I have been anxious, stressed, happy, emotional and angry its all too much for me.

It is making no sense as to why the sudden changes it is the first time I have been through so many different moods in one day.

I got to admit i don’t like it – I had things planned for tonight wanted to write some more of my book, finish editing the poetry book and I am in the mood for doing nothing but wallow in self pity!

I feel like I have nothing left to offer. All the messages of support this week, the encouragement I have received has been pushed out and replaced with the negativity again.

And it makes me so effing frustrated and mad with myself!

I thought I was getting a handle on depression, was feeling like I was controlling it for once rather than it controlling me. It has turned round and bit my right between the legs and is shaking me around like a rag doll.

Tonight is the night I need help but is also the night that I wont accept it.

Tonight is the night I need Jesus to send me some angels and help me through.

Those of you who prayer please say one for me tonight, it is not often I ask for this but there is something seriously wrong tonight.

Here is hoping for a brighter tomorrow!



Roller coaster of a day

It has been that sort of day today! A typical day in the life of someone who suffers with depression with highs and lows.

Perfect time for me to share with you the working of my brain and how depression affects it.

Here some examples of how I have been feeling & thinking today.

  1. I’m so proud of myself for publishing a book
  2. I’m so excited about the book
  3. I can’t wait to tell everyone about the book
  4. I really hope people share my link to the book
  5. I hope people are proud of me for finishing the book so quickly
  6. I hope people buy the book
  7. I hope people are positive about the book
  8. I hope I get good reviews

Here is what the depression is telling me in response to the above:

  1. No one cares about the damn book
  2.  no one will read the book
  3. your book is crap
  4. your a failure if no one reads the book.

No amount of people telling me the former as opposed to the latter makes any difference to my mindset.

It has been a long, draining, emotional day battling with depression trying to counter the negative thoughts with positive ones and I feel exhausted!

I am convinced those of you who have depression know exactly where I am coming from with this whereas, those who don’t suffer think I am going mad but this is how depression works believe me.

Days like this take a hell of a lot out of you when your so determined to not let depression get the better of you leaving you mentally and physically drained!

Friday Funk Has Lifted….

What a difference a day makes thank God Friday is over! 6 hours sleep and still emotional over the amazing opening ceremony last night!.

There was an amazing rendition of “Abide With Me” by Emeli Sande that reduced me to tears, this hymn holds a special place in my heart as it is played at family funerals.

I hope you can see the video if not you MUST search for it on youtube!

What did you make of the ceremony? Was it too British for some people overseas to understand?

I loved it especially when James Bond met the Queen!

Proud to be British this morning!