el alce en España

El Alce is Spanish for the moose…

I’ve arrived and it was emotional. It was like a wave came over me. Relief pride excitement. You see this holiday has now become the last event in my life. Not a break up, not a breakdown but a holiday.

I felt alive!! I feel like the weights been lifted. The perfect end to a less than perfect 12 months. I’ve worked hard and deserve this treat.

And im happy, genuinely happy.

I packed everything but my stresses back home and here im Garry, single and ready to mingle. Camera check jack daniels check happy smiling Garry check!!

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Moose on tour

One more sleep. Well technically 2 but there’s no way I will be getting any sleep tomorrow night, especially having to be at the airport at the crack of a sparrows dart! But its almost here.

20 years, broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit since my last trip out of good ole England and im determined to make it a life changing experience.

I want to come back refreshed reinvigorated and maybe reinvented or at the very least moose version 2. My head is clearer than its been for weeks, and whilst other issues still linger in leaving them behind and taking charge of what baggage i take with me.

Moose is ready!

Bags are (almost) packed last minute clothes shopping done and in 36 hours or so i will set foot in Majorca ready for a week of sun sea sex (I can dream lol) and sorting myself out good and proper.

Obviously I wish it was different and I wasn’t going alone but it is what it is. I’m going to enjoy the experience no matter what and maybe one day will have someone worthy of a holiday with me. Certainly im no longer feeling like im not good enough because when the right person comes along at the right time it will all fall into place.

Expect plenty of updates over the next week or so. Moose is coming along for the trip and will share as much as possible with you.

For a week at least good bye depression, broken heart, low self esteem and negativity

Now if only I could find my passport….

The Changing Moose

Seems my new look, as it were, has had quite the impact. I’ve had lots of people notice the difference and more compliments in past few days than in the past few years!.

It’s been very good for the ego let me tell you! Sure im still a fat bastard but nowhere near as bad as I thought. And im certainly feeling a lot better in myself being told how much younger i look without the facial hair and stuff.

I have heard the following quote many times and always kind of dismissed it as rubbish but its very true.

I am so damn hard on myself that I forget the good things about me. Too busy listening to the opinion of others who dont know the real me and more worried about their feelings than recognising the fact that actually im fucking awesome. Judge me on how i am with you and how i treat you not anything else. I’m loyal great fun to be around and ultimately having me in your life as a friend means you’re bloody lucky…. did I mention im humble and modest too?

I’m listening to music a lot lately and one favourite song keeps coming into my head from nowhere…

I do need you now, I do think about you a lot and have great memories of you. So im going back, knowing the risks and the potential consequences. So I’m restarting a relationship again with my eyes wide open and im looking forward to it…..

I’ve missed you Jack. Cheers!!! Down the pub I go.

And as for attracting what I am…

I want greatness I want love and so help me God I will get it.

As the song goes…
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good

An Anniversary to remember

Thanks to the memories/on this day function on Facebook I was reminded that on this day 5 years ago I took an overdose. Obviously it wasn’t successful but it has reminded me how far I have actually come despite the recent set back.

It doesnt matter how bad I’m feeling that option has never occurred to me again and that is progress.

Yes I have been through the worst period of my life these last 12 months but I get up every day and go to work. Haven’t taken any time off sick I’m getting on with shit and trying to move on with life.

If I stop and look properly at things then I can see how much better off I am in terms of my mental health and I’m absolutely guilty of being too hard on myself and taking blame for things not my responsibilty.

So today I’m thankful that 5 years ago I failed and I’m going to focus back on positives. I’m not going backwards no matter how much the black dog barks.

So here is a better photo. Contacts, haircut and clean shaven….maybe even a smile….

Get ready Majorca Moose on tour is coming your way!!!

Moose today

Here is a photo of me today. I dont even recognise the person in the photo.

I’ve got myself some contact lenses again as I hate my glasses and lenses give me more confidence about my appearance but i look fucked, drained, tired.

Form an orderly queue single ladies

From today I’m going to (try) treat myself better, be kinder to myself and focus on the good qualities I have, and there are more good than bad!

I’ve had the best nights sleep I’ve had in weeks and this time next week I will be on the plane to Majorca.

I met up with an old friend last night and thats really perked me up too. I am a people person and love the company of others. I feed off people so I need to make more effort in that sense.

I want to write more again, express myself without worrying about who reads it. Time to be selfish again for my own sake.

Back to the Drs

6 years later and here I sit in the waiting room at the Drs ready to ask for some help again. This time I have not met this particular GP so have no bond or relationship with him or her.

It’s all getting too much, the insomnia, the self doubt, the feelings of hurting, emotions getting best of me. So here I go again albeit in a much better position than all those years again. The last 12 months really have taken their toll on my mental health and maybe I’m guilty of trying too hard, too long and bottling up my feelings about what I’ve been through.

I have my holiday next week to look forward to, so this visit to Drs and probably prescription of antidepressants will come in the nick of time. I need to get away from reality for a bit and thats why I’m jumping on a plane and (hopefully) leaving all this shit behind me.

I’m sick of feeling unloveable, second best and unwanted. I am worthy of more and I am determined that this will be a temporary solution just to allow me to get my head in a better place.

I can’t and won’t allow anyone to send me back to my darkest days but right now I’m just to exhausted to do it by myself.

As I have said countless times…. asking for help in a sign of strength not weakness.

The Head Fucked Moose

I’m still not right, I’m battling every day but still somethings wrong. I haven’t managed to get to the Dr yet as its easier to find rocking horse shit than get an appointment when it doesn’t impact on work. They suggest calling in the morning to get an appointment but after 38 calls on my last day off by the time i get through all the days appointments are long gone.

So each day I get up leave for work and arrive at least hour and half earlier than necessary just so I’m out the house and not tempted to just go back to bed. But I’m stressing out over silly things short fused and bloody exhausted mentally and aching physically.

I need a holiday!

Which is exactly what I have treated myself too. For the first time since 1998!!!! I will be heading out of the UK and going to Majorca for a week. I’m slightly worried that I’m going on my own but hopefully it will do me the world of good.

It’s been a year since my world fell apart and I’ve reached the point of feeling worse than in a long long time so getting away is kinda like make or break for my head. Worst year of my life to be honest and sometimes I’m amazed I’ve got through it.

Despite what people may have been told Im a good person, sociable etc so should meet people out there but in case I dont I have bought myself a decent camera so can use photography as an outlet assuming I can figure out how to use it.

I don’t need drama in my life right now. I dont need people disappearing on me or people suddenly contacting me out the blue. I’m vulnerable and struggling. I want stability, love and effort. I need my outlets back to help me and I know I have to do more for myself but sometimes just ensuring I’m up out the house and at work is accomplishment enough.

I’m my own worst enemy and maybe, just maybe the fat ugly person I see in the mirror isnt the image others have of me. My self esteem is very low and its taken an absolute hammering over the past year.

Hopefully this long time coming holiday in Majorca will be the making of me again.

A Quick Update

Hi all apologies for lack of posts and visibility for few weeks. Truth be told is that I’m currently suffering from depression and struggling to function let alone write, and believe me I have tried writing lots of posts.

Some event has triggered me and I’m not quite sure what it was or why but for the last few weeks I have isolated myself from people – not sure if its been noticed by many but the usual suspects have.

It’s even reached the point now where I feel like I need to get my arse down to the Dr and discuss medication again. Whilst I haven’t been on antidepressants for years I think it would be a sensible option right now.

Insomnia, self doubt, exhaustion mentally and now physical symptoms are all the same old issues that have reappeared and its time to do something about it for my own sake.

I seem to be more worried about other people and their battles and helping them than looking after myself and to be blunt I’m fucking sick and tired of these people ignoring me and stressing me out. If you are not going to look after yourself who else will?

It could be just a bad spell, it could be the start of a long spiral out of control but now I have realised I need to start taking some steps to deal with it.

After the past 12 months its only to be expected that a crash would happen eventually…. maybe time to stop blocking out shit thats happened and deal with it once and for all.

Singers Sing, Dancers Dance

And writers write!

This was originally posted on another site of mine. Updated and improved now.

I’m a writer and I love feeling creative and believe I have a talent for writing. I get a buzz from sharing my writing and being confident enough in my ability to write and make it interesting and engaging for you the reader.

Having taken time out for a few weeks and dealing with other shit in my life I can feel my creative juices flowing again and feel ready to start blogging again.

I wont talk about the past 10 months its a period of time that I have processed and consigned to the history books. I’ve accepted my faults and my failings, my share of the blame and now its gone. No more feelings no more anger no more pain no emotion at all about whats happened. I’m gonna have bad days naturally but its more important how I deal with them than reflecting on “what ifs”

Right now I’m in a good place and feel happy. Im not gonna stop doing what I enjoy and I’m going to unshackle myself from negativity and focus on myself only.

I am lucky enough to have some very good friends who haven’t turned their backs on me but encourage, listen and advise in equal measure and i know they will be happy to see me writing again.

Today im free, happy and positive and I intend to stay that way. Im changing my habitual negativity and reinforcing all the good in my life.

Lets see what the dating world has to offer. Lets see how I do with reconnecting with lost friends and more importantly lets see how this new mindset changes my life for the better.

I want to be known as someone who openly talks about depression again. Not as a victim but as a survivor, someone people look up to and who people can turn to.

I stood up in a room full of strangers and spoke about my admiration and respect for anyone who has been like me, suicidal and rock bottom yet says “fuck you” every morning and gets on with it no matter what. Do you know what happened? Spontaneous applause.

5 or 6 years ago there were a lot more blogs about depression, now there seems to be very few, especially from men. The more awareness about mental health generated over that period has been great yet still there is stigma and misunderstanding about it. I talk to people about depression and they seem surprised how bad I was years ago. That’s the beauty of being able to laugh, joke and smile on the outside when inside you’re screaming for release.

Keep going keep trying and the bad day last 24 hours only. I cant predict what’s around the corner, change of career, more books, acting? Who knows and right now my focus is on day by day.

But I can promise you all this. If you need someone to talk to, someone to just listen or offer advice then you simply find me on facebook or Twitter and my inbox is always open. No matter whats going on in my life I always make sure im available for others. Pay it forward! People are there for me when I need them and the offer is reciprocated.

I hope to write more often again, not just about my feelings etc but to inspire people. I spent 5 years unable to work because of mental health and now I’m working full time. I hope to share some tips that help me. It doesnt mean to say what works for me will work for others but as i say to people “own your illness, dont let it define you and take control” and thats half the battle.

The Depressed Moose and My Return

Updated 22nd April.

There was a time when my old persona saved my life, and that of others too. Writing about my battle with depression, sharing it with so many people and ultimately becoming a mental health campaigner and someone who was “known” in that social media world – or #famoose if you would prefer is still something that fills me with an enormous sense of pride and happiness. It was a time in my life where I made a difference to others, inspired others, helped others and achieved things that were beyond my expectations all despite being depressed.

My blog was successful in terms of numbers, I was asked multiple times to write pieces for the press and even had my face on material for Mind. It is a period of my life that I am incredibly proud of. I turned readers of my blog into amazing friends who are still with me to this day.

I walked away from that world, gave up writing completely and moved on with my life depression free and happy again. I met and fell in love with an amazing woman and the future looked bright.

Life doesn’t always work the way we plan and dream about and after 3 and a half years the amazing woman has become a stranger. The relationship broke down my heart broke and my world was turned upside down. The reasons behind it no longer matter she has her truth, I have my truth and life goes on.

I rebuilt from a failed marriage, a suicide attempt and years of depression, I will rebuild again and emerge stronger, happier and a better person once more. I fought to save a relationship that ultimately was doomed. Fought against the advice of friends and family because I refused to listen and see what was really happening.

Eventually we reach a point where we have had enough and realise our own value and worth. My limits were breached time and time again because I was beginning to believe I deserved it. Regardless of this and who is to blame I am at that stage whereby I’ve got over it. I deserve faithfulness, respect and honesty and wont accept less.

So where does this leave me? For starters I’m a worker moose now! For 5 years I was unable to work but I have been in the same job now for 18 months. Despite the negatives of the way it ended the relationship did help me in many ways, my depression has been gone for years and Im able to work daily without sickness leave or mental health worries and those positives are the ones I will take away from it.

I was unable to be “moose” but now I can return to my online persona as well as maintaining Garry and my mental health is always under control.

From the confines of the spare room at my mums at the age of 39 I will rebuild and find love, happiness and be someone who helps, inspires and makes a difference once again.