The Evolution of Garry

Over a week since my holiday ended and I’m pleased to say there are no holiday blues, No signs of the normal crash that follows a happy period of my life, just moving on to the next part…. the dreaded 40th birthday that is coming in November.

I read a lot of blogs currently, although there certainly doesn’t seem to be as many as when this blog was in its heyday and as I read them it makes me realise just how much I have evolved over the years and how lucky I am that I learned to spot my triggers and warning signs.

The thing with depression is that if you’re not aware, not on guard and able to spot the patterns of behaviour it will creep up and take hold of you. A few weeks ago I went to my GP and got some antidepressants. I haven’t taken any. I haven’t needed to if truth be told but just unloading to someone impartial and getting it off my chest properly helped.

Of course the holiday played a huge part too. Doing something I’ve never done before and putting myself into a position where I could’ve been vulnerable and coming through it in a better than ever frame of mind showed me the strength I have. So much so that I have already booked my return trip to Cala Millor in June/July next year.

So here is my point…

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

I’ve had to evolve, take myself out my comfort zone and challenge myself. Change my routine because it wasn’t working for me.

Reading other peoples blogs I can see how they are in the same rut I was 5 years ago because the patterns are the same. It’s not just about mental heath but life in general, things wont just happen unless you do something to make it happen.

And if I can…… So can you!!

If I can put myself through the torture of match.com and tinder again, knowing how unlikely it is people will be interested in me, whats stopping you from making tweaks in your life to make it better.

Put yourself out there and good things will happen eventually.

I’m evolving and reconnecting with myself at the same time. I used to hate being alone all the time, now i enjoy my own company. I’m not afraid of being single and the dating world again. Rejection is part of life and so is getting hurt. It wont prevent me from putting myself out there because as my good mate Karl says “Garry is a bit of a romantic” and he is right. I do want my happy ever after, my last first kiss and all that soppy shit and one day I will find it… if she would get her arse into gear and hurry up that would be nice šŸ˜ƒ

In the mean time I’m happy finding Garry again and doing things for me. My writing love has returned and I’m reaching out to more and more people.

Life is good right now and it’s because of me working at making it good. The rewards were worth the effort.

If you’re struggling remember Im always available via my facebook page. I never turn down anyone who reaches out to me.

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New Beginnings

Ive removed all posts from the last few months. All traces of anything negative are gone for good. Its time for new beginnings, fresh perspective and changes.

I have no more to say on whats happened its been put in the history books and will not be mentioned here or in the real world again.

I’m looking forwards and starting from tomorrow I am going to attempt to finally give up smoking after over 20 years. I hate the smell, the taste and the cost of the nasty habit and I hate sounding wheezy all the time.

If anyone sees me with a cigarette slap it out my hands quick you have my permission.

Once I have got that under control I want to start getting into shape and lose weight. I need to get my physical health back as a priority because Im turning 40 this year and would like to be at least 3 stone lighter by the time my birthday comes around in November.

Changes for the better are coming and its down to me now to implement them.

Remember….

Remember when I had lots to say and was inspired to write daily?

Remember when I was an avid reader and commented regularly on blogs?

Remember when all I could talk about was how shit things were and how down I was feeling?

Remember when I was happily married and had my kids around me?

Well things change and so do people….

I have changed, back into the man I used to be, the fun loving guy who wants to be out flirting, chatting and drinking, socialising with friends and/or making new friends.

I can look back at the past few months and feel amazed that I have made it though, despite the odd blip.

Yes I still get spells of feeling down, I’m in recovery from depression and it is something that will always try and come back if I allow it to, but I have some very very good friends and a great support network of people who just wont allow me to wallow.

I am focusing on the people in my life as they are now, not on how I remember them because changes are happening to them that I do not like, in some cases. This works is my favour as it is now easier to let them sail off into the sunset.

I’m moving on, letting go and using my energy on people who want to be in my life rather than wondering why certain people behave the way they do. I have spent too much of my time bemoaning a lack of friends and support etc because it was not coming from areas where I expected it to. Not anymore my friends.

People change for better or for worse, as for this person the change in me has been a positive one, I cant wait for the next chapter in my story to begin….

to those who have supported me I am sorry I didn’t focus enough on you instead of focusing on others. Believe me when you need me just say the word and I will be there.

For the others…too late moosey is gone…..

I feel good. I feel positive. Forget remembering the past time to focus on the here and now!

Decisions and Depression

If you have decisions to make how do you separate the logic from thinking with the thought that it is actually the depression talking and holding you back?

Spending time thinking, in turn, time over analyzing the thinking. Ā Before you know it you are even more confused than when you started! So how do we manage to decide our future when there is a constant battle between your mind and your depression in the whole damn process!

As the wheels of the brain slowly turns I keep coming back to the starting question without making any progress on an answer, in fact there seems to be more questions each time. Weighing up pros and cons or writing lists is not something I am partial to doing. Someone told me to follow my gut – I ended up with a big mac in my hand!

Things need changing and I am scared of the consequences and where it will lead me!

Who, what, where, when got nothing on the fucking questions in my head lately.

Times like this I wish I was not stuck on a fucking waiting list for therapy!

New Year, New Beginnings

Well 2012 has been and gone and what an eventful year it turned out to be.

But now it is all about 2013 and what happens next in the life of the moose.

I hope you all had a wonderful new years eve, I actually went out in the end and welcomed in the new year with Sheryl and my old buddy Jack Daniels and I had a wonderful time surrounded by people I have not seen in years making me feel welcome again.

In fact I had toĀ dispelĀ the rumours circulatingĀ among Sheryl’s friends and work colleagues that I had been buried in the forest somewhere as it had been that long since I had been seenĀ šŸ˜€

It was great to be out though, being around people letting my (receding) hair down, dancing away in my own unique style it reminded me of the old days when I was young, happy and carefree and it has made me more determined to drive the black dog of depression away this year.

I am not one for resolutions but I do intend to make changes for the better this year and one of them is to get myself out of the flat for nights out more often. Along with meeting my friends at the British Museum recently the two times I have been out socially in December is nearly as much as the whole of 2012 combined!

If you get the chance to go out this year take it! Sitting around indoors is all well and good but nothing beats the feeling of a night out with friends. The sense of accomplishment for making the effort makes it worthwhile. That is my advice to you all for this year, get out more, leave the same 4 walls you’re used to hiding behind and change your scenery even for a few hours. I promise it will make a difference and at the very least you are out and enjoying yourself.