(Un)Happy Anniversary

I have tried so hard not to write something like this but I need to get it out.. and its one of the hardest things I have written..

 

5 years ago tomorrow I was blessed to be waiting in the registry office for my best friend to become my wife, the happiest and most nerve-wracking day of my life and life was perfect. Seeing her walking towards me nervously biting her lip, laughing as we stuttered through the vows completely lost in each others eyes..

8 years ago today you came round to my flat and I nervously asked you to be my girlfriend

Yet tomorrow I am escaping for a week because I can’t bare the thought of sitting in the flat on my own on what should be a day of celebration. I wanted us to go to Don Pietro’s and have a nice meal together celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, go out for a few drinks afterwards get drunk together and enjoy ourselves.

People tell me to let go, to move on as it’s over BUT I just can’t do that as easily as people think. When you love someone with every part of your being how can you just accept she doesn’t want you anymore. The days of me flicking my feelings off and on are long in the past because the feelings are too strong, the love too real.

Yet I can completely understand your position currently, why you are doing what you are doing. It’s been hard for the past few years, too fucking hard! You need the time to find yourself again and enjoy the things you missed out on having kids so young and being in relationships.

Believe me I understand, but I wish it wasn’t me left behind in an empty flat with only memories of all the good times and tears streaming down my face at night.

I can’t help being soft it’s not something I am gonna change, I am who I am and I have to learn to accept that you don’t want me, love me and need me but it’s difficult for me to do that because I know how much i want you back in my life.

It’s not about me putting any pressure onto you, you have to do what’s right for you and I do get that – doesn’t mean I like it though because the fact is that the stronger I get the more I want my family back home with me. I know this could take time, that one day things may change but I can’t live on hope, I build things up in my head when I have hope. Hope, by the way, that only I have given myself because that is how my brain works.

The door is always open but I know deep down that you will never walk through it and it’s something that I need help with to accept and deal with. You see I am objective enough to see it from your point of view….

Please don’t tell me to move on like it’s as simple as one foot in front of the other, trust me I have tried and it’s like someone has tied my laces together and I fall flat on my face. Crazy really that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long, especially in your shoes, but for me its been hell – yet I am still fighting and recovering which shows me how strong I actually am to not let this sink me.

The fact remains though that I love you more each day despite you not being here, and that’s because I am so much better these days that I can see you and us for what it once was – a perfect match of love – and it saddens me that it’s gone from your point of view.

So my beautiful wife I wish you a happy anniversary and I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever it is you end up doing. What a shame it’s an anniversary spent alone for me, have a few drinks for me if you head out with the girls..

Meanwhile I will keep working on doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do and let you go because that is what you want me to do…

I try not to live my life with regrets but this is something that will always make me look back on with them, and sadness that I couldn’t grow old with you by my side.

 

 

lovesomebody

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The Birthday Moose

 

birthday-moose

A year ago today I made the decision to finally “come out” about my depression, and in typical Garry style I did it to the world and created this blog.

My original intention was to help other men come to terms with their depression and get people talking about mental health in general –  I would like to think I achieved this moose mission! It has also helped me in a way I never even imagined – I cannot recommend writing about your depression highly enough. At times it has made me see where things have been going wrong and helped me spot the warning signs of the bad cycles coming.

I have made many new friends since starting this journey and have become “famoose” in my own right – or in my own head, either works for me!

Massive thanks go to Sheryl and the never forgotten Teresa for inspiring me in the early days and giving me the encouragement to write and the support to help me through the bad days.

Naturally I owe a massive debt of gratitude to you, the reader who puts up with my dodgy humour (or comedic genius as I call it), my wallowing and moaning in equal measure yet have stood by me and offered words of advice or just words of support when needed. It has been an absolute pleasure getting to know many of you who I now consider friends.

390+ posts and almost 55 thousands views later it has been a wonderful journey of self discovery and remembering my love of writing.

Here is a list of the top 10 most viewed posts on this site since day 1

  1. You can’t be depressed you’re smiling
  2. Hitting rock bottom is not the end
  3. The Man behind the moose
  4. Moose Tracks
  5. This form could change a life
  6. why I blog and how often
  7. Things to cheer you (and me) up
  8. why its ok to have bad days
  9. Books published by the moose
  10. a children’s book on depression – possibly my favourite post!

 

This blog has been view in 131 countries so huge thanks again to the people who kindly share my posts via twitter, Facebook or any other method.

A few people have also donated to the blog over the first year and I want to say how grateful I have been for this. As you know I have less money than certain countries in the EU so every little donation has helped keep me going.

Raise a glass and lets toast to the next 12 months of thedepressedmoose.com

I will toast to new friends, great support and being #famoose!

Enough of the thanks now lets get a party started! I will bring the Jack Daniels you bring the cake and the strippers!

 

 

One Year Ago..

This coming weekend is a tricky one for me. This time last year was the lowest point of my life when I was ready to do something silly and end it all!

Thankfully the really negative thoughts I have been dealing with the past few days have subsided enough for me to be able to look back at how far I have come in the last 12 months with a sense of pride and achievement.

I have said it many times before but cannot emphasis enough how important is can be to realise that hitting rock bottom does not have to be the end. The challenge of fighting back and seeing a new day brings it’s own rewards.

At times it has been a struggle, especially as I am someone who finds it difficult to see the positives, but I am still here! I am still fighting and I have not given up.  And that is reason to celebrate a new improved Garry since the dark days of March 2012.

In a strange way dealing with depression has made me into a better person. I am more tolerant of other people and their problems and certainly more open and honest about my own issues, as opposed to the person who took years before admitting he needed help. I certainly feel more creative since I decided to embrace my illness and try and turn it into something that could provide other people with a point of reference in terms of how someone copes with depression.

The biggest difference for me though is that I am not afraid. I am not afraid to ask for help when I need it, not afraid to talk openly about my depression and not afraid to face anything depression can throw at me.

I know there are bad days and good days and the important thing for me is that I know that mood cycles do change. When I am going through bad cycles I know that good ones are just around the corner and this helps me get through them.

A trick I like to use when I am having a bad day is to use the clock to my advantage. One day has only 24 hours in it so when I am having a bad day I work out how many hours are left in the day and wait for tomorrow to begin when it may be a good day! It may not work for you but worth trying out at least.

Here’s to another year of never feeling so low I think about not being alive anymore!