Sex and Depression 50 Shades style

Warning Contains Sexual Content!!

Just for fun…

If 50 Shades was written by a man with depression……

 

She looked lovingly into his eyes as he announced to her that he had been shopping for gifts to treat her. Her eyes widened as he produced a bag with the distinctive Ann Summers logo on it and proceeded to pull out treat after treat. She gasped as he finally pulled out a huge vibrator. She thought she saw a seductive grin appear on his face and she imagined the fun she could have with the toys now at her disposal.

“you’re gonna have to fuck yourself tonight!” he said “I can’t be bothered!”

She was determined to have him though, she remembered him when they first met. The charming, handsome man with that cheeky smile and sparkling eyes. Well dressed and smelling heavenly with just the right amount of aftershave. She waited till she thought he was asleep and crept into his bed. Slowly she kissed his neck whilst her hand moved down his chest playing with his hair and circling his nipples. He shifted in his sleep as she moved her mouth lower down his chest, her head disappearing under the duvet. She could feel his legs parting as if to make her access easier, and then as she was tantilisingly close to his manhood he lifted his legs up and farted! Whilst holding the duvet over her head so she couldn’t escape. She withdrew from the bottom of the bed, as if the smell from his arse was not bad enough she had to fight off the stench from socks that he had been wearing for weeks! so long that had almost become apart of his skin! Furious she yelled at him but the sound of his snoring drowned out her screaming.

The next morning whilst she sat on the sofa with a face like thunder he appeared as if nothing had happened last night, “what’s with the miserable face?” he asked her innocently. After she explained everything that had taken place,”be grateful I didn’t follow through” was his reply, how upset she had been and, more importantly, how badly she felt the relationship had been progressing recently because he had let himself go so much he looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath and replied “well fuck off then if your unhappy” and he went back to bed!

Later that afternoon he finally got up out of bed, he looked at himself in the mirror and decided today he would make a start on some improvements.

Out went the tracksuit bottoms, t-shirt and underwear that had been on for weeks. He treated himself to some fresh clean clothes after a long soak in the bath. She would be home from work in less than an hour and he wanted to surprise her by being dressed and out of bed for a change.

He text her a grovelling apology and promised tonight he would make it up to her when she got home. He finally removed the beard from his face, washed his hair and, having spent ages admiring himself in the mirror was feeling great when she walked through the door. With almost animalistic lust he pounced upon his prey, kissing her as he peeled her out of her clothes, before leading her into the bedroom and forcefully pulling her onto the bed.

Only there was a problem, try as he might he could not get an erection. Even after she tried with her mouth to arouse him there was no sign of life…

“Fucking anti-depressants!” he moaned, before rolling over in a sulk, and drifted back to sleep.

 

 

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Ideas and A Blank Mind!

The title does not even make sense does it?

Today I have so many plans for the blog because I am so convinced that it is helping people and I know it’s helping me that I feel like I should do more to expand the empire of TheDepressedMoose

I have been super busy today creating a new account on Facebook, a new dedicated email address (thedepressedmoose@hotmail.com) being more active on the Twitter account and trying to promote the Facebook page that I am driving people mad – but I don’t care 🙂

Yesterday I received an email from people at the Mind Charity who want to use my open letter to depression post on their blog which is just amazing from my perspective. Doesn’t matter that it was me who submitted it in the first place does it? They still could have ignored my email instead I got this as a reply

Hi Garry,

 

That’s amazing, thank you so much for sending it in – what a different way of looking at something as horrible as depression, I think a lot of people will find this really inspiring.

 

We’ll definitely put this on the website – we have a couple of Olympicy ones for next week but I’ll email you when we have a slot.

 

Thanks again,

 

Rebecca Peters

Digital Officer

Direct Line: xxxxxxxx

Mind
15-19 Broadway, Stratford, London E15 4BQ
t: 020 8519 2122
w: www.mind.org.uk

So naturally that is now plastered all over Facebook because it is a big deal to me. I am not aware of the numbers of potential readers who may see this but the Mind twitter account has nearly 30k followers so I am hoping they plug the blog address as well to get more people coming my way! who knows maybe the donate button I added might be utilized (its on the sidebar for those who asked) 🙂

It has got me thinking though as to what can I do now to try and turn my crusade into a way of life and then a career. It has been suggested to me that I should try made hand at writing a book about depression from the perspective of a real person and not from an expert with their own self help tips and regurgitated information on the symptoms but how would I start? Anyone read Adrian Mole back in the 80s? Maybe a diary style book like this would work using posts from my blog?

I have always liked the idea of writing a book based on my boring life but in all seriousness who would read it? But then who would have thought nearly 5000 people have read this blog so there is some form of comfort for me there providing they all buy the book LOL

I could even tap into my past sexual adventures to tap into the “mummy porn” genre that now exists and believe me I could make readers of 50 shades books blush! And write better!

Maybe some of us bloggers get all write one together with the profits being shared 70-30 in my favour – this can be negotiated of course.

So the blank mind is a cause for concern because I do not know where to go from here! suggestions please people!