No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….
Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs
What consequences? It’s my life and my journey
Its about living in the present not the past or the future
One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general
See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am
I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing
Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum
If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.
I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was
Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed
Growing, adapting, recovering, changing
“If I told her that I loved you
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)
“Are you lost
In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going
Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead
Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.
I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself
And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect
My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.
Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.
I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want
I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..
But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.
And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..