Tonight is my last night in my 30s and I can’t wait to see the back of what can only be described as a cluster fuck of a decade.
It started so well, newly married, baby on the way but has ended up a fucking disaster…
My 30s have consisted of…
- Failed marriage and divorce
- A suicide attempt
- An abusive relationship
- Losing too many friends/family
- Losing myself
However lets turn some of it around. Despite all the bad stuff I’ve survived, at one point it was touch and go. I nearly didn’t see 35 let alone 40.
At the moment I’m going through an awful period mentally. The black dog is barking and biting hard and its been a real struggle. A combination of still having a chest infection for months, over working and being haunted by memories have dragged me down to a low dark place.
I remember things too well, something innocuous can send me spirraling backwards or into a tailspin that can take weeks to recover from.
When one of your best friends uses the phrase “doing a Garry” and follows it up with “When things are going well and looking up you suddenly feel the need to self destruct” you start to question things.
Is that what I do?
I mean all I really want is to find that special someone, live a drama free life and be happy and loved but am I so damaged that I’m subconsciously self destructing as a coping mechanism? A way of preventing opportunities arising to protect myself from anymore hurt and pain?
It’s not just the theory of one but of a couple of people, people that know me the best.
I’m lucky to have friends like these who see through the front, the bravado, the cockiness etc and tell me what I don’t want to hear but NEED to hear.
I need to find a way out of this slump. I want to get my arse back to the training again, I’ve made one session this month for various reasons.
If I could choose a gift for my birthday it would be the gift of self discipline, I need to reach down deep yet again and find a way to channel things into a positive solution. I’ve slipped backed into old dangerous habits and I know only one person can pull me out of it.
Yet behind the flirtatious, cheeky, did he really just say that persona is a man who just wants to find his passion for life again.
At 40 I should know what i want but still have no fucking idea, career wise, life wise. At which point does it become too late? I don’t want to lose my faith in the happy ever after BUT… It’s ebbing away slowly.
So as I start my 40s I want them to be spectacular, eventful, happy, joyous and life changing. No more hurting, self destructing, letting memories haunt me.
They say life begins at 40…. I truly fucking hope so because I can’t take another decade like the last one.
Saying goodbye to the people I’ve loved over the years and closing the chapter on everything thats hurt me since I hit 30, especially the last 6 years is the start.
Here I come into my naughty forties…..tomorrow morning Im going to wake up, smile, be thankful and spend the precious few days I have off work getting my groove back.