Hanging On…Barely

Well the black dog has returned bringing an army with it this time, black clouds, thunder, lightning and darkness not seen for a long long time.

The pretending and putting on a brave face only works for so long before the eventual breaking down comes and the longer the game of pretense the harder the fall.

So here is where I am at currently..

Stuck in the payday loan nightmare where I had to borrow to survive post xmas and now have to attempt to repay the monies borrowed – of all the shit that has come with depression the fact that I am so bad with money is the biggest and most demoralising issues for me. For the next month I will be surviving on pretty much fresh air and handouts..

The other main issue is the fact that I am so  eager desperate to reach out to someone and remind them how I feel in the hope that the feelings are going to be reciprocated, even though I am 100% sure they are not… thankfully each time the long email/essay has been written I have yet to send it (thank fuck!)

Hiding away from the outside world because I just can’t face going out again – even though I am in need of a full-blown alcohol induced night out! but I have no one to go out with let alone money to spend on it.

My IBS is playing havoc with me again, I had a great friend come visit me yesterday and sadly for him he got an insight into how bad my stomach can be on days like this – a sure sign that I am highly stressed out/ anxious

I feel like I have to just get on with pretending to be alright because people expect me to be by now!

On top of this I received a letter from Atos with the dreaded medical form enclosed so lets look back at how things have gone since my last medical.

In Sep 2012 I had a lovely woman from Atos who did my medical (and yes she has probably been fired), who gave me 18 months to get my shit together, which I was doing up until the last six months…

I have lost my closest ever friend to cancer, my marriage broke up and I still don’t know the ins and outs which causes more issues, I attempted an OD, I am STILL waiting for therapy despite being on the waiting list for nearly 2 years and the GP I had so much faith and confidence in left leaving me with two new doctors to start building a relationship with. I am yet to feel like I can fully confide in both the new GPs so when I do see them its all about smiling and pretending to be fan-fucking-tastic..

Honestly I feel more like breaking down than carrying on at the moment and the more I try to fight this shit the harder it appears to be getting.

Thank God for Maria who comes round and gives me a hug from time to time because virtual hugs do not just cut it despite the well-meaning intentions…

It has been a long time since I gave in and let the tears out but at the moment I just can’t seem able to, why I do not know but maybe I am slightly worried that once they start they wont stop. If someone would only offer me a shoulder and an ear..

I am getting to the stage where I am well and truly sick of having to type about things via social media when I would rather talk about things..

So if you ask me how I am and I say OK, don’t be upset that you know I am not being honest, just know that I need more than the virtual right now…

Advertisements

12 comments on “Hanging On…Barely

  1. It’s the games people play, they put on masks. And they expect other to do the same Thing is, the mask only hide or camouflage the peaks and valleys in life. It’s a tough climb up and a bumpy slide down. The only thing to do then, is to remember the good times. Those Maria hugs, and the other real life smiles and affection you get. Never forget those, because they are the real thing!

  2. It’s rough right now, you just have to remember when things were good and believe that they’ll be good again. For now try to take things one day at a time, that always seems to help me.

    If I could afford to hop a plane and come to your part of the world I would definitely spend time hanging out with you so I could show you what a Midwestern hug is all about. 🙂

  3. Hi there, I hope that this bout doesn’t last too long for you. As you know you have got through bouts like this before, and you can do it! Keep going Moosey. All the best to you

  4. I do hope you get through this when you go for your medical don’t hold back close your eyes and let it all out tell them exactly how you feel I also have to go for these each year and hate talking to people but in the end I take a deep breath and let it all out so please don’t keep quiet and say ok let them know how you feel all the best and lots of hugs

  5. I wish there was something I could say or do… I feel bad because I know that there’s little or nothing that can bring you comfort… and you know, as well as I, that there’s no magic pill. I wish there was.

    For what it’s worth, I think of you sometimes and I hope you’re okay. Hang in there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.