Shattered But Not Broken

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Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

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8 comments on “Shattered But Not Broken

  1. I don’t know the circumstances here but I do doubt that she has forgotten you exist. She has chose to but forth the front that she has moved on because that is what she needs to do for her own hurt at the time. With all of the questions you have I am sure she has many too, maybe different question but what I mean is that she is going through some sort of transition as well and she also has her own perspective on all of this. Don’t think that this means nothing to her, even if she tells you that or is acting as if it doesn’t. A marriage splitting up is traumatic on all parties no matter who seems to be the cause of the split or which one left the relationship.
    I am not saying I think you should just see her side of it, I just want you to know that her actions may not be presenting her true thoughts and feelings. I will keep you in my prayers Garry. I hope that somehow you too can soon communicate and come to an understanding. I also hope that your kids don’t have to go through so much and that would be directly related to how you two treat each other. xx

  2. I dont think you will ever know the answers to those questions, but i can understand why you are asking them. It will just take a long time (4 months into a marriage break-up is still early days in the scheme of things) and eventually you will come to terms with what has happened, and move on in whichever way your life is going to go. I havent personally gone through what you are at the moment, but I have had my heart broken a few times. Keep hanging on in there, talk to people, you have friends even though you perhaps dont think so sometimes. Take care. To say I like reading your comments doesnt sound quite right,but I hope you understand what i mean

  3. we can’t dwell on the choices of others even if they cause us pain. We need to look forward to our own light and just be the best we can everyday. Relationships hurt not only ourselves but others involved by default. But that doesn’t mean we should avoid them but to try and see past the hurt ( as hard as it is) and move on with our life

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