Wanting What We Cant Have

This is an area I seem to specialise in these days, wanting something or, more appropriately someone I can’t have. Problem is the more I am told I can’t have it the more I want it, the more I want it the less likely it is to happen but Moose does like a chase…..

I am in a good place in terms of my marriage tonight, i have finally been able to see things in a new light and accept them for what they are, and all it took was a few simple messages that were a month in the making. Now don’t get me wrong I am very hurt and upset by what has happened BUT more importantly I am not taking the blame anymore.

For the past 2 and 1/2 months I have blamed myself for everything that has happened, been far too sympathetic to her needs and not concentrated on how I actually feel about it all, or more appropriately allowed the grieving process to do its thing.  Lots of people have told me that is where I am going wrong, I am not grieving for the death of my marriage. To be honest I have done enough grieving the past few years to last me a life time! So that is where I am at currently and looking to move on….

Except I fucked that up as well……. But as I am trying to convince myself – Things happen for a reason…

So i have lost Mrs Moose, Miss Naughty and Miss Never Gonna Happen…. and all I wanted was a little bit of effort in return for the hard work I put in..

Miss Never Gonna Happen is a hard pill to swallow but I needed to do what I did for my own sanity, as well as to protect her from a rampaging moose, I doubt she will see it that way though and for that I am sorry.

To cheer myself up and get out of this mini dip I went and got some pain of the nice variety and rewarded my recent good run of form with a new tattoo on my left arm.

Finally I have the “Abide With Me” tattoo I have wanted for many years, the last line to be exact “in life, in death, O Lord, Abide with me”.

Ink by Duane "illumin-eye" Robinson

Ink by Duane “illumin-eye” Robinson

The hymn is played at family funerals and is scheduled to be played at mine – not for many years yet though I hasten to add!

Duane, the tattooist is based in Mile End, 5 minutes away from the underground station and not only is he a great artist but also a top man as well! If you’re in the London area go and see him!! His Facebook page can be found here tell him Moose sent you!

So besides screwing up a good friendship because I wanted more,  finally realising my wife is never coming home and turning into a nervous shitting wreck because of seetec today a few hours of pain has turned a bad day into a good day!

Advertisements

5 comments on “Wanting What We Cant Have

  1. Your wife doesn’t know what she had in you. I wish I could talk to her & help her understand. You are a good man Moosey and a good friend. Depression aside I don’t doubt you were a good dad and a loving husband, even if your illness stopped you from showing it sometimes. Depression is hell to live with for those of us with it, worse for those who live with us cos if we don’t understand it how the hell can they?!

  2. I am happy things are on the UP for you! It seems right now I may be wanting what i cannot have… the L-word always seems to evade me, and been adding an extra chip to my alreasy burdened shoulders, but I was happy to read your blog. It encouraged me:)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.