Free Today

I have made 2 of my ebooks free today on Amazon!

All I ask is that you write a review if you like the books and help spread the word to others (hopefully this will increase sales as total sales in 2 months is currently 1 book!)

free ebboks

free ebboks

 

head over to Amazon NOW and get the books! if you look closely at the photo you can see my other free book on the bottom left!

click here

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Reflecting on yesterday

Not just yesterday as in Monday but all my yesterdays, when times were happier and simple.

But lets start with the big news from yesterday

I know what your thinking, Margaret Thatcher died, but that’s not the news I was referring too. The big news was that the moose went streamlined and removed lots of hair!

Haircut – check

Shave – check

Chest – check

Back – check

here is the proof

new streamlined moose

new streamlined moose

now if this does not make me run faster then I am afraid nothing will! It’s nice to finally be out of my winter coat!

After 4 bad days I actually made it out the house for longer than the 10 minute walk for cigarettes and headed over to the gym for an hour.

As expected once the black clouds had reappeared I found it difficult to leave the house and go training. despite the proximity of the gym. Although in my defence the more depressed I feel the worse my IBS is and I couldn’t risk any accidents on the treadmill. I spent most of these days laying down in bed feeling sorry for myself, it really is one of the things I hate most about having depression! The constant need for attention from people and the self loathing I suffer as a result of not getting any. It is never a case of people being busy in my eyes it’s always about people rejecting me and I struggle to cope with this ridiculous way of thinking because I know that’s not the case.

Recently I have been having the same dream, and it is rare that I even remember dreams let alone the same one each night.

In my dream I am 19 years old, it’s a Saturday and I am sitting in the dressing room of my football team enjoying the usual pre-match banter before getting changed and heading out onto the pitch and playing the game I love, pain free, injury free and carefree. My brother David playing alongside me, which usually meant me and him shouting at each other but don’t anyone dare try and foul him because I’d be there like a rocket! After the match we have a drink in the bar before heading home to get ready for a night on the Jack Daniels and coke. As I leave the house to go out bang I wake up!

every night for the past 5 days! even in my dreams I don’t get to go out anymore!

I guess it is a case of me wishing I could go back to the last part of my life when I was 100% happy with every aspect of things. I have mentioned before that having to give up football in my early 20’s has probably played a part in my depression because for the last 10 years I have had no real outlet to take my frustration away.

At this moment in time I cannot think of one thing that seems to be going right for me!

I am trying to push through the pain at the gym but there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, bravery is signing up for a 10k run – stupidity is ignoring doctors advise and going through with it! but then I have not always been one to listen to advise!

I am conscious of the dangers I am posing to myself by pushing through the pain but feel like if I don’t at least push myself then there is no point in being there in the first place! However I do step off the treadmill when the pain changes from an ache to an “oh fuck my leg is gonna fall off” kinda pain.

In terms of my mental health benefiting from the exercise then to a point it is helping IF I can get over the feelings of anger/frustration that my body is letting me down! It would also be better for me if people were a bit more friendly within the gym environment. In the 10 days since I have been going I am yet to have someone say hello to me!

I am going to a yoga class this morning to see if that can help with the knee injury which my doctor believes is muscle related rather than the joint. This should be interesting as I have very little flexibility and am more likely to shit myself than get in any funky positions! Here’s hoping the IBS medication has kicked in before the class starts or it is going to be messy in more ways than one!

yogamoose

 

and on top of all the things going wrong for me lately tomorrow I have to attend the funeral of my great aunt who died last week!

And if I can make it through this rough patch I can make it through many more!

Sex and Depression 50 Shades style

Warning Contains Sexual Content!!

Just for fun…

If 50 Shades was written by a man with depression……

 

She looked lovingly into his eyes as he announced to her that he had been shopping for gifts to treat her. Her eyes widened as he produced a bag with the distinctive Ann Summers logo on it and proceeded to pull out treat after treat. She gasped as he finally pulled out a huge vibrator. She thought she saw a seductive grin appear on his face and she imagined the fun she could have with the toys now at her disposal.

“you’re gonna have to fuck yourself tonight!” he said “I can’t be bothered!”

She was determined to have him though, she remembered him when they first met. The charming, handsome man with that cheeky smile and sparkling eyes. Well dressed and smelling heavenly with just the right amount of aftershave. She waited till she thought he was asleep and crept into his bed. Slowly she kissed his neck whilst her hand moved down his chest playing with his hair and circling his nipples. He shifted in his sleep as she moved her mouth lower down his chest, her head disappearing under the duvet. She could feel his legs parting as if to make her access easier, and then as she was tantilisingly close to his manhood he lifted his legs up and farted! Whilst holding the duvet over her head so she couldn’t escape. She withdrew from the bottom of the bed, as if the smell from his arse was not bad enough she had to fight off the stench from socks that he had been wearing for weeks! so long that had almost become apart of his skin! Furious she yelled at him but the sound of his snoring drowned out her screaming.

The next morning whilst she sat on the sofa with a face like thunder he appeared as if nothing had happened last night, “what’s with the miserable face?” he asked her innocently. After she explained everything that had taken place,”be grateful I didn’t follow through” was his reply, how upset she had been and, more importantly, how badly she felt the relationship had been progressing recently because he had let himself go so much he looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath and replied “well fuck off then if your unhappy” and he went back to bed!

Later that afternoon he finally got up out of bed, he looked at himself in the mirror and decided today he would make a start on some improvements.

Out went the tracksuit bottoms, t-shirt and underwear that had been on for weeks. He treated himself to some fresh clean clothes after a long soak in the bath. She would be home from work in less than an hour and he wanted to surprise her by being dressed and out of bed for a change.

He text her a grovelling apology and promised tonight he would make it up to her when she got home. He finally removed the beard from his face, washed his hair and, having spent ages admiring himself in the mirror was feeling great when she walked through the door. With almost animalistic lust he pounced upon his prey, kissing her as he peeled her out of her clothes, before leading her into the bedroom and forcefully pulling her onto the bed.

Only there was a problem, try as he might he could not get an erection. Even after she tried with her mouth to arouse him there was no sign of life…

“Fucking anti-depressants!” he moaned, before rolling over in a sulk, and drifted back to sleep.

 

 

Guest Post – An Other

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! THIS POST IS ABOUT ABUSE IN CARE HOMES FOR CHILDREN!!

 

I decided to set up a Facebook page after suddenly being confronted with things that I had long ago buried in my past. Let me explain…. I grew up in the care system from the late seventies all the way to the late eighties early nineties. ‘Care’ as it is laughingly called was actually just as abusive, if not more so than the family I was removed from.

My last children’s home was the first one to hit the headlines and at the time we were all over the place, reporters camped outside, radio talk shows, even an I.T.V. documentary was made on the subject. An inquiry happened and the place was closed down.

As time went by that particular children’s home was forgotten about as more and more cases came to light and then mid nineties it seemed to stop altogether.

Recently however, with the whole Jimmy Savile expose happening and as his connections with care homes has become apparent, some well meaning but ultimately unthinking individuals have decided to jump on the bandwagon and join the ’cause’.

I was all of a sudden faced with press clippings and reports from my last children’s home being all over the net. Some of them mentioned me by initial, some by a case letter/number and some even put my first name with an initial for my surname.

I didn’t at any point give my permission for some very personal details about my life to be put out there, I certainly didn’t give my permission for people to discuss me as if I was only an initial or case number. I have been transported back, through no choice of my own, to a time I tried to forget.

Worse than that was seeing the comments underneath the articles.People arguing with each other, tut tutting about how terrible it all was, posturing and ultimately stroking their own ego’s seems to be the norm.

They purport to be fighting for people like me when in fact they are doing anything but. If I wanted my details and my life to be put out there then I would have done it, I didn’t want it so I didn’t do it. It was done for me by people who seem to be so blinkered by what ever cause they are fighting they are not stopping to think about the collateral damage they are leaving behind.

The overriding thought that kept going through my mind when reading all of this was ‘you are not doing this in my name, you are not doing this in my name, YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS IN MY NAME!!!’ Hence the name of my page. I feel there is a fine line between fighting for a cause and stamping all over peoples lives and feelings whilst you do it. We are REAL people they are talking about, we are here, we are alive and we didn’t give our permission for our stories to be told and to be picked over like vultures over carrion.

If you are as disgusted about this as I am, even if you believe in the cause but can also see that this approach is wrong, PLEASE like and comment on my page so that we can wake people up to the effect their actions are having on the very people they say they are talking for. Thank you for listening and a MASSIVE thank you to Garry for giving me the space to talk.

The page can be found here

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As the clocks turns to midnight a new day begins!

As the clocks turns to midnight a new day begins!

 

The clock turns to midnight.

A new day begins.

The moose is gently sleeping

wondering what the new day will bring.

 

Feeling good or feeling down,

I have but no idea,

what matters is that at 23.59

I will still be here!

 

Watching sun rising, then watching it set,

I made it through the day.

I celebrate that once again

I didn’t let depression stand in my way.

 

Accepting today may be hard on me,

But working through my pain

Soon midnight will reappear

And I start the battle again!

 

Today is the present

Yesterday is now in the past.

I can forget what happened on that day

Knowing any bad days cannot last!

 

Each day is guaranteed twists and turns,

Depression works in this way

Chalk up a victory for me though

I made it through another day!