Emotionless Moose

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my Great Aunt Eileen who passed away aged 90 on 25th March. The cremation took place in Coventry which meant a 2 hour drive from London. Leaving at 10 am was difficult for me with my concerns over my IBS but thankfully the medication had kicked in and I had no issues for the whole day.

Anytime I have to leave the flat in the morning involves me getting up at least 3 hours beforehand to make sure I am “empty” and have taken Loperamide and wait for it to work so I don’t have the added stress of finding a toilet. Even more important when driving for 2 hours! but thankfully it worked nicely yesterday – I even managed to eat a cheese sandwich on the way which is the equivalent of waving a red flag to a bull most days!

At the service as the coffin was brought in I felt nothing, not a single thing. Even when Abide With Me was played all I was interested in was singing the words rather than thinking about past loved ones who have died and had that hymn played.  No tears, no lump in throat, no feelings of sadness especially watching my beloved Nan suffering. Just as importantly when I woke up this morning no repercussions from the day suddenly catching up with me.

Ladies and gentlemen I believe this is called  – making progress

For me not to cry my eyes out and then reflect on Eric, Ron and Teresa is a huge step in my recovery.

For me not to spiral downwards following a funeral is a huge step as well!

I was more focused on the well being of  my Nan than I was about anything else and it may well be that this is the reason that I was so calm but for the past few years I have cried whenever I have heard Abide With Me and this time I did not, for me to want to sing it was even better!

Long may this frame of mind continue!