Guest Post – Bethan

I think I’m a swan …

So The Depressed Moose is looking for guest blogs, I need a distraction, so let’s do this!  

Currently I’m riding out a few tricky days, my Anxiety has been sky high, Depression up a notch and irrational thought processes of Borderline Personality Disorder means my poor old brain could do with a holiday.  But, I’m sort of like a swan, above water, graceful (ish!) but underneath, I’m kicking like there’s no tomorrow and it’s draining me. 

Is that a good thing or bad?  I’m undecided.  I was doing much better, really really better.  My psychiatrist impressed with progress, Mental Health Social Worker reduced contact and everyone commenting on my progress.  But as we know, boom it comes from nowhere and feel I’m a bit back to square one. 

I find my head is a stuck record, asking myself the same questions, fixated on the same things.  I can see where I am now and see where I want to be but can’t visualise that path of recovery anymore like I once did.  Everything is stressing me. 

I’m doing a course part time, I’ll try anything to fill this huge empty “blah” feeling in me.  But when I was on my course Thursday I had a totally irrational fear and reacted by losing sense of my surroundings, my breathing was everywhere, cried non stop for about an hour and thought I was going to actually vomit all over my lecturer.  I don’t have to go back now till April but I feel so embarrassed. I reacted to a small anxiety in the way other people might to a huge natural disaster like a tsunami!  Because I usually present “normal”, people aren’t sure how to react to things like Thursday.  Luckily it was a 1:1 session and the lecturer handled it well, I’ve messaged her to thank her.  

I suppose I’m struggling and not sure how to ask for help, because when I’ve tried asking for it people simply insist that I’m OK and state how far I’ve come, on the surface, I seem to be gliding along, underneath paddling like hell. 

Bethan can be found on twitter here

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