Universally Screwed by Universal Credits

WARNING CONTAINS SWEARING!!!! I make a massive effort not to swear on this blog but needs must this time apologies for anyone offended but you have been warned!

April 2013 will see some massive changes in the benefits system in the UK thanks to the genius of Iain Duncan Smith who has decided that the poorest and most vulnerable people in this county can go fuck themselves

Image credit: wikipedia

Yes folks this smug looking wanker who is currently the secretary of state for work and pensions also known as IDS is getting ready to screw everyone regardless or ability for work and mental health state and force everyone off benefits and into work.

The universal credits system will mean even more financial hardship for anyone unfortunate to be unable to work as the government caps the weekly level of benefits to £500 a week per household.

Sounds a lot doesn’t it £500 but consider that this includes housing benefit which for many people is a massive percentage of their benefits. Not forgetting the guaranteed fact that every year our rent increases so as the credit system kicks in we will all find ourselves even further worse off! But don’t worry we can use the other benefits we struggle to live off to fund the shortfall in our rent payments.

Eventually we will be forced to decided if we buy food, get electric, get gas or pay rent before we are evicted!

And still the good news comes..

Child benefit, tax credits (family and working) and state benefits such as Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) and Employment Support Allowance (ESA) payments will now come as one big payment and instead of weekly and fortnightly payments currently allowing people to get through each month we will now get a single monthly payment.

Which means that when the system is rolled out we will end up going a month with no money until the end of April when the first payment will be made!

From what I can gather the job centre is planing for this by making loans available to help the transition period but that money will still need paying back putting us worse off even more until the arrears are paid!

Now I am all for capping the benefits if it means people are going to find work BUT while we continue to have no immigration policy in this country and let everyone from eastern europe come into the UK and take away the jobs from the people how the hell are we expected to find work! Let alone the fact that we are not even fit for work that doesn’t come into the equation at all.

The way the new benefits system will work is that we will be FORCED to take any job suggested by the useless people at the job centres who don’t really give a shit about finding suitable work for you.

It is not an option it will be mandatory!

The plan is that you will be told to spend 35 hours a week looking for work or being sent on courses etc for 5 days a week so eventually you are working. Failure to do what the dictatorship tells you will result in sanctions for a first offence you will lose benefits for 13 weeks the second offence will see you lose benefits for 52 weeks.

And the real kick in the teeth is that it will not be ESA or JSA that is stopped but EVERYTHING!

So not only will you have not a penny in income you will also not have rent paid either! for up to 3 years if you are sanctioned for the 3rd time!

No imagine you have a child say late teens who is out of work, his benefit claim affects yours now. Say he then misses an appointment with the job centre and ends up being sanctioned, guess who else suffers? yep you do!

So what happens then? do you kick them out the house because their actions mean you have no income coming in? crazy as that sounds IT DOES HAPPEN!

Soon there will be a huge homeless problem but luckily for us there are 1000s of empty council properties available (explodes from sarcasm overload!)

Realistically we will have 3 options as a result of this benefit overhaul

forced into work



Extreme isn’t it but not as out there as it sounds! we already know of people who have taken their own lives because of the states treatment of them in terms of benefits!

The fuckers who supposedly work for the people who elected them into parliament are conspiring to screw us with no lube and no cuddle afterwards! The same people who are being investigated for fiddling expense claims, having multiple houses and money in the bank have decided the only way for Britain to get back in track is to systematically fuck us when we need their help the most! Heaven forbid that we go after the banks that we bailed out yet continue to pay millions in bonuses!

As for Iain Dickhead Smith he is worth a reported £1 million according to his wiki page and has had such a successful career in politics that when he was leader of the Conservative party he was forced out by a vote of no confidence from his party! Yet he is now likely to have more blood on his hands than the worst serial killers seen in the UK!

Some quotes for IDS taken from interviews he has given…

In January 2012 Duncan Smith said that imposing a planned £26,000-a-year benefits cap would not lead to a rise in homelessness or child poverty. He admitted that peers may want to “vent” their feelings over the cap, the equivalent of £35,000 before tax, but said it would help families who are trapped by a dependence on benefits. “The reality is that with £26,000 a year, it’s very difficult to believe that families will be plunged into poverty – children or adults,” he told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme. “Capping at average earnings of £35,000 before tax and £26,000 after, actually means that we are going to work with families make sure that they will find a way out.”

He added that there would still be some flexibility in the system to help struggling families who were genuinely attempting to get back into work. Mr Duncan Smith said: “For people who fall out of work, we have always said there will be discretionary measures to make sure that this does not punish people but we make sure that we help them to change their circumstances. “For those who are doing the right thing who have fallen out of work, we will support them and make sure they get back to work. “Councils will be able to work with certain key families who may need a little bit more time to make some changes to their circumstances while they push them through the cap and into new housing.”

My message to this cunt and the other wankers who make up the political parties is for them to try and live on £26k a year and see how they manage to survive – hell i suspect they might even only be able to afford one house – the horror!

Sorry for the language but sometimes only certain words can be used to really express the feelings!



“Four eyes” and other name calling at the moose

The gang of 5 seemed to think it was a good idea to call me a fat bastard, four eyes and other name so I did what any self respecting man would do.

I went over there and confronted them!

Naturally this only made things worse and things ended up getting physical and the moose ended up having to fight against the 5 of them on his own.

Thankfully I kicked the backsides of all 5 of them and after gloating about them being beaten up by a fat bastard with glasses I left them to seek medical attention.

Anyway the bottom line is that I have been banned for the playground at the local junior school and warned as to my future behaviour 😀

Which Direction Next?

Image Credit: Google

So here I stand at a crossroads in my life.

Which direction do I take next?

This is where I need help because I have NO IDEA what to do anymore.

What am I these days? am I still considering myself a writer? I am trying to write a new book but in all honesty I feel like I am wasting my time with a new book if the others are not selling.

I wish I was not so into the stats side of things like this blog and book sales, then I could happily plod away without worrying why people are not reading this blog, or commenting and why books are not selling.

Are the books too expensive? £5.20 is the current price for the paperbacks but out of that I only make £1.20 or so per book so dropping the prices wont help me personally but is it better if they were reduced?

Is it just that people are not really that interested in books on depression, most likely this is the case but as the stats show 1 in 4 people will suffer surely there is a market. Perhaps I am just not very good at marketing and should be bugging more people to spread the word.

I am sick and tired of the constant financial struggles in my life that I feel are holding back my mental well-being.  It is hard to focus on getting back to “normal” when all you can think about is “can I eat today because the freezer is getting empty and the kids need to eat first”

The sad reality is that it is going to get a lot worse come April when the universal credits system comes into effect in the UK – as it stands already we are going to be at least £100 a month worse off and that is not taking into account the guaranteed rent increase that will happen next year (also in April) so in all likely hood it is likely to be £200 a month worse off!

We are struggling to survive now as it is so how the hell are we going to cope with the new changes? not the government care as they sit in their homes fiddling expense claims and doing bugger all but make our lives worse while lining their own pockets! That applies to MPs in all parties not just the current government.

Naturally it is changing to benefit everyone, bullshit it is! because a minority of people cheat the system they are forcing everyone back into work, regardless of health issues. As the lady at the job centre told me “the plan is to get everyone off benefits!”

Here is the problem though I struggle with mornings! Everyday I cannot function until I have visited the little boys room at least 4 times! On my good days this is not such a big deal but those days are few and far between. So imagine me starting a new job and spending the best part of the day sitting on the toilet, gonna go down well with new employers isn’t it! That is assuming I can actually manage to get a decent nights sleep before hand to wake up on time before even worrying about public transport as I no longer have a car. Lets also not forget that I will need to have money to pay for the travel expenses to get to and from work for the month in advance you have to work.

Then there is the stress of updating your housing benefit application which basically works like this:

Inform the council you are now in employment

They immediately stop your claim and request 3 months worth of pay slips

you ring them and explain that you have been in the job 5 minutes and therefore have not worked 3 months to give them the pay slips they require

you end up falling behind on the rent

you ring the council again and they do nothing to help – assuming of course than you can get them to answer the bloody phone

or even better they expect you to head down to the offices but you can’t because your working and cannot get any time off

your landlord then tells you that your behind on rent and start sending eviction warnings

said eviction warnings start to make you ill and you end up having time off work because of the stress

you lose job and start back at square one again meanwhile the council refuse to backdate your claim and landlord still on your back

you wait weeks for benefits to start again !

how do I know this? because it has happened to me every time I have gone back to work from being unemployed! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!

Universal credits will hit everybody who claims benefits for more information check here the benefit payments will no longer be weekly all benefits will be grouped together and paid monthly. I struggle with fortnightly payments so monthly  will be a nightmare to deal with!

The reality is unless I go back to work I am going to be living in poverty but then I need to be ready to cope with working and at the moment I am nowhere near ready!

Thats why I need to learn to promote my books better to start earning some money from them, or the shop full of awesome moose items or get myself out there to try and raise some money so for once I don’t have to stress about finances and focus on getting back to Garry!

On the plus side it is awesome having the self service checkouts at the tesco express store down the road from me as I pay using my embarrassing collection of copper and silver coins rather than having the person on the till look down their nose at me for pulling out 5p 10p and 20p coins LOL

Image in everything for the moose dontcha know!

I am the poorest materialistic person in the world!

Shamed by a 3 Year Old

As we all know Manflu is one of the most serious conditions out there with no known cure and that moose suffer from it terribly.

Day 4 of the illness and I have bravely pulled myself off my death bed to update you as to my well being.

This morning I woke up at 7.30am having finally gone to sleep at 5am!

Not content with being bunged up with a sore throat and a stinking headache i woke up with the worst pain in my bad knee since i had the operation in 2009 and could barely walk. Then I started the coughing which is never a good thing when you have the bowel problems i have! In fact at point I have to go and sit on the toilet to cough!

If a vet came to check on this moose he would be putting me down!

Remember to pray for moose!

Meanwhile Lilybet who is even worse than me is really trying to put on a brave face and show of things. Even while she was being sick she was smiling away and even tried running around like a normal 3 year old despite a temperature, really bad cough and blocked nose!

So you would expect the moose to be ashamed of his wallowing in self pity and dying on the sofa wouldn’t you!

But you would be wrong it’s all about me <evil laughter> pray for moose folks I need you!

sniff sniff cough cough woe me woe me etc etc

Brilliant Blog Award

My bestest blogging friend weegee has kindly nominated your truly for this award and it’s been a long time since I accepted a blog award. A couple of others have nominated me in the past month or so but I cant remember who or where the posts are (1000 apologies to you but I do appreciate the nominations!)


not too sure that “brilliant” goes with my blog but I need cheering up and this has done the trick! At least I am off my death bed to do the post!

I have to write about 7 things I believe in which is easier said than done so here goes…

1. I believe in ghosts

I have experienced things going bump in the night on a couple of occasions firstly I was watching a famous boxing match one night where one of the fighters was nearly killed and ended up in a wheelchair for life. The pub I was watching the fight in was once owned by a boxer who had died in the ring and was known to haunt the place, throwing glasses off the shelves etc.

As we sat watching the fight on the big screen at the exact moment that the punch hit the boxer that knocked him out and ended the fight a massive crack appeared across the tv screen!

2. I believe what goes around comes around

I have hurt a lot of people in my life particularly when I was in my late teens and early twenties (not something i am proud off!) and I believe I am suffering now as a result

3. I believe everyone has the right to express their opinions

rightly or wrongly this country and the world in general has become too politically correct and trying to stifle the opinions of those which are considered “wrong” its sad that people are bullied into thinking one way by the press/governments.

4. I believe in love at first sight

Sheryl – enough said!

5. I believe in treating people as you wish to be treated

if only i followed this earlier in life!

6. I believe that eventually things will improve

False hope perhaps but if I didn’t cling on to this belief I would never get out of bed in the morning (who am I kidding afternoon not morning!)

And finally

7. I believe that everything happens for a reason

If it is meant to be it will be! somethings only happen at the right time when your circumstances are perfect and the planets aligned!

Thanks Weegee you made the right choice 😀

Man Flu Update

Yes I am afraid to say that I am still at deaths door with this man flu remember if you have time to pray for moose!

Sheryl and Lilybet are really having a rough time of things especially Lilybet. Her cough is so bad now she is bringing up crap but doesn’t help that she cannot blow her nose properly and sniff up instead of blowing which then sits on her chest.

Meanwhile Sheryl appears to be auditioning for the part of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer/ Alice Copper that lady is lucky I love her looking like that I tell ya!!

Meanwhile our finances go from bad to worse but we are determined to have a good Christmoose this year not long to go now where has this bloody year gone?

I havent started my new book still – what with being on deaths door from man flu having a hard time concentrating on much besides i made the mistake of noticing my other books have sold 1 copy this month and lost the inspiration. Has my 15 minutes of being famoose come to an end?

And to end a litty ditty based on my man flu


I’m dying with a runny nose,

a sore throat and a cough,

I am sick of this man flu

and wish it would just fu… go away :0)

Questions Men Are Afraid To Be Asked

Different from my normal postings but as I am feeling in one of those moods I am gonna go with something completely different.

Laughter is the best form of medicine after all so here are some questions women ask that scare men the world over.

These are in no particular order except for the very last one and once you reach there you will know why I saved the best till last!

Do I look fat in this?

Do not answer it is a trick question!

change the subject as soon as possible by saying her hair looks great or her shoes are nice!

Never ever ever ever (if you want sex again!) say – yes! honesty is not the best policy here. Find something good to say or suddenly grab your bits like your about to wet yourself and go and hide in the bathroom. Remember to flush for authenticity!

Do you like my new hairstyle?

Even if it makes her look like a boy never say that! mention how the new style shows of her facial features and makes her eyes stand out even more!

You hate it really but she is unlikely to wear that wig or hat that you think would be a good suggestion.

How many people have you slept with?

If you really have to answer this honestly just give a number, do not give her names of past lovers. Do not give them in chronological order (especially if she is number 9 and you have had 10 or more!) and do not rank them out of 10!

Remember she is likely to give you a less than honest answer herself so you don’t think bad of her!

If in doubt make it low!

what are you thinking about?

The following should never ever be said:

My ex

That girl who did things in bed you wont

Your best friend



instead try “thinking about how happy you make me”

is she prettier than me?

the crucial part of this is the amount of time taken to answer! do not even hesitate before the question has been finished “no” must have been said!

unless you want to break up of course then you can say “yes much prettier and had a better personality” however i highly recommend only saying this once the keys are in the ignition to the car and your private parts are safely out of range from any damage!

do you watch porn?

she knows you do and she knows that you know that she knows!

“only after you are in bed asleep!” will not work, only thing that will work is changing the subject and hope she doesnt mention the dodgy chat lines you use

do you love me?

make or break time!

do not say yes just to have sex with her!

do not say yes just because you don’t want an argument

if you do not want to say yes reach into your pocket and pick up your mobile phone, causally comment that it is vibrating because you had it on silent and walk away whilst having an imaginary conversation (preferable with the local florist ordering the flowers you will need to make things better)

what do you think of my friends?

doesn’t matter her friends will hate you, your not good enough for her in their eyes!

however be sure not to say “i love the brunette with the DDs”

and the worst question any man will want to be asked in his life is(according to my friends because i have never been asked this!!!!)

Is it in yet?……


and now for the one question women do not want to be asked above all else

no matter if she is any of the following





asking lots of the above questions

getting on your last nerve!

at no time ever should the following be asked…

is it your time of the month?



May Day May Day…… Moose Down

We have an emergency situation here at moose mansion.

Sheryl has a sore throat, runny nose and a cold.

Lilybet has a really bad cough, runny nose and a cold.

And I have exactly the same symptoms as both of them with one major difference.

I have MAN FLU!

Yep you heard that right and as we speak a black cross is being painted on the front door to warn people that man flu is in the area!

It is such a serious condition that there is a drink available in the aisle of sainsburys for this exact purpose here

There was also major research into the illness that proved men suffer worse than women! I suspect it was men who carried out the research…

I am not sure how much longer I have left on this planet as (cough cough sneeze fart) I am dying

The words on my tombstone should read as follows

“Its not just a cold it is man flu, don’t you realise how serious this is?”

followed by

“died due to lack of sensitivity to the serious illness called Man Flu!”

And once I am gone could someone please tell Sheryl to “snap out of it you only have a cold!”

Help Me!

Two of the hardest words to say in the world, forget the difficulty of “I Love You” that is a piece of cake compared to having to say “Help Me”.

Why is it so hard though?

It appears that having to ask for help is considered as a sign of weakness – as far as I am concerned the opposite is true. Admitting you need help shows a tremendous amount of strength and courage.

Asking for help shows that you know that there is something wrong that needs fixing and you cannot do it by yourself. The weakness is living in denial, refusing to accept that there is a problem and ignoring everything connected to the problem.

The question is why do we consider asking for help to be a sign of weakness? or why do we struggle to ask for help?

Fear of rejection is a main reason judging by what I have seen on the internet.

I am one of the lucky ones to have a wonderfully supportive wife who is there for me no matter what. I saddens me when I read that people have asked for help only to be  told “snap out of it” and the usual bollocks that people with no understanding of mental health illnesses.

The sad thing is that usually it is family members who we most feel able to turn to and more often than not they appear to be the least helpful people to ask for help. Certainly in my own experience I can rely on my online friends for support a lot more than my family.

Naturally we also do not ask for help because we feel that others do not understand what we are going through but then this depends on the sort of help we need.

Sometimes just offering a friendly ear is the best help you can offer someone. Usually we already know the solution to our problems but just getting them off our chests and hearing a different perspective can make a difference.

I found an interesting webpage on asking for help and why we think its a sign of weakness here and here are some words of wisdom taken from there

  • You may feel that you’re totally independent and don’t need any help, or that any person offering you help may be doubting your ability to remain independent. You might have been raised to be especially independent or felt independent from an early age as a result of circumstances, such as irresponsible parents resulting in a need to “raise yourself”.
  • You may be frightened of rejection or you may have a tendendency to perfectionism; both motivations can cause you to avoid accepting help for fear of failing or being seen as a failure.
  • You may have had a much harder life than others and had to work harder than others you see around you now, or you may simply feel yourself far more independent. Consequently, you might feel that people not handling their own affairs is a sign of inferiority or incompetence.
  • You might feel vulnerable. Perhaps somebody let you down in the past and you swore never to let that happen again, and spun a cocoon of self-reliance as your chief defense. Not wanting to show your perceived vulnerability can cause you to refrain from asking for help.
  • You may feel that your experience of the insecurity that flows through life (such as through experiencing a difficult illness or other challenging problem) is something that you have coped with alone despite wishing you’d had help, and, in turn, you might wish others get over their own insecurities the same way that you were obliged to do.

Make sense don’t they but personally speaking the best decision I made was seeking help, even when I am having a bad time I know there are 2 or 3 people who I can turn to instantly.

But what if your the person who someone has come to for help? do you know what to do or say? do you think you can help a fellow sufferer without making yourself ill in the process?

I mix with lots of people on twitter and facebook who have mental health illnesses and one thing I have found is how supportive of each other we all are but there is support and there is help and for me there is a big difference between the two things.

In an emergency would you ask someone for help? or more importantly would you accept help if it was offered?

Is it a case of not knowing where the right help is available? eg the Samaritans?

Where do you stand on asking for help? is it a no no?

For me if anyone comes to me for help the first thing I do is remind them how much strength it took to ask in the first place!

anyway on the subject of “Help” enjoy this classic song clip – not the Beatles version but one done by bananarama with Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders from comic relief in 1989 i think