Down, Down, Deeper and Down

It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.

Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.

I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling  me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.

I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.

I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.

I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.

I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!

It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!

So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!

Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!

As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.

I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.

Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!

Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!

And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!

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20 comments on “Down, Down, Deeper and Down

  1. Can’t bring myself to hit the like button here but I know where you’re at.
    It’s cyclical, this thing. I’m in a good phase but much of this year was not good, but hang in there. It can and does change. Thinking of you.

  2. I see me in a lot of this post. I am manic right now and all I want to do is talk talk talk about all I know about everything lol. I am sick of being overweight myself and my knees are one of the things that keeps me from being more active. The only thing that I can say is to try and remain positive as best you can. Of course (and speaking of myself too) we have to put forth the effort to see results. Maybe you need a new project. Another e-book or something. You need another confidence builder. I try to think of my successful days when I am actually trying my best and look at the bad days as just off days in between my real self.

      • maybe you are trying too hard or you are set on a particular set of guidelines and events to happen in the book (don’t get me wrong I believe in outlines). Use things around you and give your characters some trait that you notice around you. Let the story play itself out a little while and then see if you like where it is going. If not, you can always delete. At least we are not back in the manuscript period. Writing every word down as we go, so hard to delete hand writing without a hassle. But you can, in this day and age, improvise and see what happends. If it doesn’t work you can try something else. I am no published Author but I learned in school to make yourself accountable to your characters. Don’t neglect them, don’t lose hope on the ending xx

  3. Oh Moose,I haven’t got magic beans for you. The down days are so destructive. I wear glasses, but not in my profile, cos I’m not confident about my appearance. I also have mega problems with my age. Your migraine will not have helped, probably drained you, leaving nothing for you to fight the negative feelings. All I can do is say ‘I understand’ and you’ve been there and helped me when family couldn’t. That’s worth more than anything. xx

  4. {{{hugs}}} I wish I had a solution for you. my only thought is to not discount lilybet’s view if your glasses, kids have a great sense of what is right that adults lose along the way.

  5. Hi Moose, sorry you are not having a good time of it at the moment. I have been reading your blogs for a couple of months now and one thing I think I can safely say is you are a “Fighter” and late on friday night you were my moose in shining armour :; hang on in there and I hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you. Sending “moosey best wishes to you”….shellx

  6. Just letting you know I have similar issues with my glasses…maybe it helps you to know you’re not alone with this. But, alas, I don’t have any suggestions…

  7. Hey sweetie. It’s so hard to say anything to you, because I know nothing I do say will make it go away. All I can offer is a friendly ear and a bit of a hug if you want one. Keep on keeping on – you will come out the other side, promise. xxx

  8. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time 😦 And I saw on Facebook about your migraine too, I feel for you, as a fellow migraine-sufferer – they are horrible!! 😦 I hope you feel better soon! And I was wondering have you tried swimming as a form of exercise as it would put less strain on your knee than other exercise? I find exercise helps me feel a bit better as I feel like I’ve accomplished something, and it tends to start a more productive phase. Also eating healthily is supposed to help physically and mentally, like blueberries are supposed to be “superfoods” (whatever that means!) Good luck Moose!! x

  9. I think we all do this to varying degrees. We don’t see our true reflection, it is always affected by a myriad of emotions. Be they positive or negative.

    If I wake up ‘feeling fat’ then you can guarantee I will look at my stomach and see nothing but bulge. No amount of words to the contrary will convince me otherwise. I have to bring about the change from within.

    There are days when I don’t like my reflection. I used to allow myself to be tormented by the negative ugly thoughts and I would punish myself.

    I still have those days and I expect I always will. My personal challenge is to slowly pro-actively change my mental and emotional response to them. I have to tell myself that I may feel fat, but that doesn’t represent the truth. I may feel that my skin is lackluster but that’s because I feel lack luster. Do you see what I mean? We have to try not to project our emotions onto the reflection we see in the mirror.

    This is no easy task. Some days I just write it off and put on trackies and a sweatshirt. Other days though, I try to catch myself and embrace any flicker of positivity.

    In the same way I’ve said that my mental health status does not define me, I will fight against allowing my (at times, distorted) body image from defining me.

    You’re Garry, a husband, father, author, friend and no doubt, so many many more wonderful things. Believe and trust in them and you will shine.

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