It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.
Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.
I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.
I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.
I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.
I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.
I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!
It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!
So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!
Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!
As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.
I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.
Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!
Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!
And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!