The week started so well with the exposure on the Journal and the confirmation from the DWP regarding my medical and I was on a high from having so many viewers and wonderful comments.
But that was Sunday and Monday and since then I am on such a low period it is beginning to drive me crazy!
I feel empty, devoid of anything positive. I STILL have not written anymore of my “novel” which makes it a month since I added to it and I feel like a failure for not being able to do anymore.
The things I am passionate about like this blog, reading and helping others seem to have manifested into chores and hard work. I am still full of ideas about things I want to write about yet the words do not seem to come freely.
My energy levels seem to be at an all time low and my sex drive has packed its bags and disappeared.
Apparently the only thing I seem to enjoy at present is sleeping and even that is difficult at night, thank God for the sleep I get during the day as I would be even more of a nightmare to live with than I am on most days.
It is not just the lack of energy that is driving me up the wall these days though, I am now going through my “needy” cycle where I crave attention from people and I hate this so much. Sitting around all day refreshing my stats page and feeling worse because they don’t go up but down, waiting for someone on twitter to mention me or facebook to message me. I don’t want to go out the house again unless I really force myself – like taking Lilybet to nursery, then coming back home and hitting the bed again.
I don’t know how much longer Sheryl will put up with things, not that there is anything wrong between us but surely it will get to the stage where my sitting on my arse doing nothing around the house and spending the afternoons asleep is going to take its toll on my marriage.
It is bad enough I feel like the worst father ever, poor Brandon gets a lot of stick because I am so short tempered and silly things he does winds me up so much, just typical teenager stuff like laziness (and considering what a lazy bastard I am these days I really shouldn’t comment)
Brandon has lived with me since he was 3 and a half but recently told me he “doesn’t feel wanted” can you imaging the pain that caused me. I am trying to be better, we had a good talk and I do explain to him how depression works but I cannot expect him to understand and I need to try and fight harder at times to spend time with him but not being able to do the simple things like kicking a football with him really does not help. Maybe it is part jealousy on his part because Lilybet gets more attention but then she does not lock herself away in the bedroom playing Xbox all day.
I just find life so very frustrating at the moment, I am sick of having no friends in real life. No one to phone me and invite me out for a drink – even if I can’t afford to go out it would still be nice to have someone ask. I would love a night out hitting a pub for some welcome relief from sitting around on the computer all day waiting for some human contact.
So at present I feel like I am a failure as a husband and as a father, as an author and as a writer so if anyone can tell me what I am doing well I would love to hear it because I can’t see anything I am good at.
I wish I could listen to the advice I give to others, maybe then I would feel better.
Still as a little positive I have at least managed to put on clean trousers today and not the same pair I have worn since I cant remember when!
Here a photo of Brandon and Lilybet to try and cheer me up