Exercise does not help everyone

I did a brave thing today. I dusted off the scales in the bedroom and inserted batteries in them.

Well I say brave but probably stupid is a better term. Who knew that scales could talk! Mine said “ouch” when I stood on them.

So here is the bad news

MY SCALES LIE

yep that’s correct turns out denial is not just a river in Egypt

Okay Okay the truth

My weight as of today stands at a whopping 16 stone or 224lbs

Its official I am a fatty :0( well I have known that for a while but now I am telling the world

Naturally the easy thing for everyone to suggest is to exercise, after all it releases chemicals that improve moods etc etc

Here is the thing though Exercise is a massive trigger for me!

Let me tell you more, are you sitting comfortably? good then I will begin….

When I was a teenager football (soccer) was my life and I was pretty damn good at it too! I spent 4 years on the books of professional football teams, even went on tour with West Bromwich Albion and they wanted me to sign for them.

One day playing for my local team my studs got caught in the ground and my body went one way and my knee went the other!

I had an operation at 17/18 and the hospital lost all the notes from the op and basically that was the end of that. I continued to play for a local mens side until I was around 23 but the knee problems basically forced me to quit football altogether.

It got to the stage where I would train on a Tuesday and not be able to walk for 3-4 days afterwards, then play Saturday and the cycle would continue.

When you have played football from the age of 8 until 23 every week, as a kid 365 days a year and to have it taken away from you is devastating. Even something simple like walking causes me pain even worse in the coming months as I have arthritis now in my knees.

What makes it worse is the fact that I have not learned to deal with the change. I feel worthless because I cannot do the simple things like kick a ball with Brandon because of the pain. Imagine how that makes me feel as a parent always having to say no to playing football with him.

Anything that is considered an “impact” sport is out! which pretty much leaves swimming.

Except for 2 problems

1) I can’t swim

2) I am scared of getting in the water

This pretty much leaves dieting as my only option and thus far the “Junk Food Diet” I am on is doing nothing for the waistline despite improving my moods!

DAMN YOU CHOCOLATE AND CRISPS

This BMI crapola doesn’t help me either – according to them my BMI is 34.1 which makes me obese.

If I search online my ideal weight for my height should be 154 lbs or 11 stone!

Check out the photos of me here and imagine me 5 stone lighter? I would look ill!

I am going to start an exercise regime of sorts with my weights and see if I can start dropping some lbs! If I can get down to around 12 1/2-13 stone I will be happy with that. Time to cut out the chocolate methinks

If we could all observe a minutes silence for chocolate…..

I will keep you updated. If i can get to 15 stone by Christmas I will be very happy thats a reasonable target isnt it? a stone in 3 months?

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Whats happened?

I cant write anything!

nothing seem right or good enough

my mind is full but my brain is empty!

I don’t like this one little bit!

 

Someone please give me some inspiration because I am lost and empty!

I need a project again to keep me busy

I can’t write anymore of my novel because I am convinced it’s a pile of crap as so many people haven’t got back to me with feedback since I sent them copies.

I got nothing! and its killing me slowly 😦

Moose and the Shrink

Today after 4 days of trying last week I finally managed to get through to the mental health team at Goodmayes (the specialist mental health hospital in my area) and spoke to someone.

This is a big step for me because I am worried about what they will say or diagnose.

I have an appointment, or initial screening, to use their vernacular*

Hopefully though they will tell me if I am bipolar or not as my Dr thinks I may be, and so do I having researched it.

My stomach was in knots talking to them over the phone, I don’t understand where this anxiety when talking to people in authority comes from. If I speak to anyone who works for government agencies or health positions I have such an overwhelming sense of fear in my stomach! It baffles me as I never used to have this problem! It has only been in the last 5 or 6 months this anxiety has developed.

Could it be that it was always there and I just did not recognise the signs?

My appointment is on 4th October so not too long to worry about any implications and I am working hard at trying to combat the fear of leaving home to attend these meetings.

Still on the positive side I made the call and that’s a good thing!

* I have always wanted to use the word vernacular in a sentence 😀

The Broken Keyboard

My keyboard MUST be broken because I have lots of ideas about things I want to write about but when I sit down at the PC to type them out no words appear on the screen. Surely the fault is with the keyboard and not the person using it?

I am still waiting for about 5 or 6 people to give me feedback on my novel because at the moment I seem to have lost all momentum when it comes to adding to the story. I know where the plot is going and how it all ends etc but again I sit here and nothing happens.

I find the whole thing frustrating because they are so many things I have in mind to write about.

The good news is last night I won £300 playing bingo online so I can finally get my latest tattoo

My next Tattoo woot woot

 

It appears my luck has changed ever so slightly the past few days.

On Thursday night at 3am my cat was sitting on the window sill while I had a cigarette and fell off! I am on the 3rd floor of my flats! My heart was in my mouth as all I could hear was the “thud” the cat as she hit the ground below.

After the initial shock I rushed into the bedroom and woke Sheryl up and she went flying down the stairs in her pjs while i shined a torch on the cat. When the cat meowed at me as if to ask “what the eff am I doing down here?” I was relieved beyond words! Next time I complain about my luck please remind me of this incident!

The cat was unhurt and eventually my heart stopped pounding!

As for me I am going to try and fix the broken keyboard this week and hope I can find my writing voice again

The Dreaded C Word

No not THAT C word this one is the C word that brings stress, anxiety and financial worries.

Yep its that time of year again when we start to get bombarded with the C word – Christmas!

 

Image taken from Wikipedia’s page on Christmas Day

I despise Christmas Day, a day when we are meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus but instead it is a day where I have to watch the kids once again be disappointed by a lack of presents. Even though they try hard not to be, and for that I love them, but every year I die a little inside because I cannot give them what they really want. I would hate to be them when they go back to school in the new year and hear how much their friends have received compared to the single items we give them.

That in itself though is indicative to the problems of Christmas these days, even going back 20 years ago when I was a teenager it was unheard of for shops to display Christmas items before December let alone AUGUST as some shops do now! I went to my local supermarket the other day and the have started filling the shelves with Christmas stuff.

And so as summer turns to autumn we now start the buildup to Christmas day and soon we will be unable to escape from it.

It is not even about family anymore its all about gifts and receiving them, Sheryl and I have not exchanged gifts for Christmas for years to ensure the kids get theirs first.

Why is it now so commercial? It seems to be less and less about the religious aspect each passing year and more about how much money the shops can make from us.

It doesn’t help when you have children so desperate to brag to their friends about what they got, how much it cost etc and I defy any parent to not want to do all they can for their kids at Christmas. They have all the build up from the media and friends and to then wake up to one present can’t be nice for them, but its one more than I usually get.

It is all well and good saying “others have it worse than you” but try making a child understand that! The shops know this and manipulate it to their advantage.

Do children even know what Christmas signifies these days? We are so busy with this political correctness crap that Schools seem to be more concerned with children being taught about other religions in the name of “tolerance and understanding” that we are in danger of forgetting that we live in a Christian country.

My birthday is on November 29th and any talk of Christmas is banned in the moose household until after that day but that does not mean the kids are not already planning their wish lists and that we are not already counting every penny to be able to try and give them what they want.

It is bad enough that come December you cannot walk into a shop without hearing the same Christmas songs being played, the same Cd that is released every year – Now that what I call Christmas – if you have worked in retail you will know these songs back to front, word for word and could probably sing them backwards!

If I ever see Yoko Ono I will rabbit punch her whilst singing “war is over!”

A Christmas rant in September who would have thought but before you know it the day will be upon us, I know this thanks to people posting on Facebook that its less than 100 days away – gee thanks for that.

All in all it means the next few months will not be fruitful in terms of my recover because I can honestly say I am not a fan of Christmas day in its current commercial only celebration. I would go so far as to cancel it for a year if only I could get away with it, if it was not for those pesky kids!

Depression and Christmas does not a happy moose make and as quick as it comes I will be happier come 26th December when it is all over for another year, well another 9 months until the shops start the whole process again!

 

Change of Sleeping Habits

Since Lilybet was born over 3 years ago I have slept on the sofa in the front room, as she herself is happy to announce to the world “I have stolen your side of the bed!”.

This does not really bother me too much because of the years of insomnia I did not want to keep Sheryl awake with my tossing and turning in bed. Besides that we are a family of 6 in a two bedroom flat so until we find a bigger council place it is just how things are.

Speaking of council places I live in a borough of London which owns the least number of properties out of any borough! According to them we are entitled to a 4 bedroom place only and in the near 2 years since I have been on the housing list only 3 have come up. The properties available are offered weekly so its 3 properties in almost 100 weeks!  On those houses we came 51st, 81st and 86th on the lists so by reckoning we should get a place when the kids have all moved out!

Back to my point and off my soapbox though. Recently I have made my way into the bedroom again and into a proper bed, albeit the bed that Elizabeth is meant to sleep in!

Here are where I am encountering issues though

When I go to sleep I have to sleep on my laying on my right side, not on my back or front has to be right side!

I also cannot sleep unless I have background noise. In the front room on the sofa I set the timer on the  TV to go off after 60 minutes so I can sleep listening to the TV.

In the bedroom with Sheryl and Lilybet asleep in the other bed I really struggle to fall off to sleep without any noise. I lay in bed thinking and this is NOT good.

It can take me over an hour before I actually drift off!

What tips can you share to help me sleep because I am enjoying sleeping in a bed again after 3 years! Even the sound of snoring and farting is comforting but not enough to help me sleep (sorry Sheryl – giggles)**

I am wondering if I am risking a set back in my recovery by moving into the bedroom because the time spent thinking about things before sleep is not something I enjoy as I do not sit there thinking happy thoughts!

Also please help me share my book around as I have decided to use the royalties from my book to buy Sheryl a Kindle for Christmas and so far have not earned enough to get her one 😀

Embarrassing Things I Can Share to Help Others

The issue of why people don’t talk to their GPs, especially men, is one that I would love to address.

Why would we rather hide things than speak to someone who can help us and address the issues at hand?

Is it the embarrassment factor that holds us back? Doctors have seen plenty and I would imagine they are pretty unshockable when it comes to health matters.

As someone who pledged to be open and honest about my depression and related illnesses here is a list of things that I have seen my Dr about recently that would be embarrassing to others.

These are not embarrassing to me because I have done them but believe me at the time it was

1) Telling the Dr about how often I have “accidents” from IBS.

Talking about #2 is never an easy subject to bring up. Trust me it is easier to talk about than telling people that you shit yourself a lot!

For a lighthearted look at “poop” watch this video

 

 

2) Erection problems

Ok stop giggling yes i said erection

 

The biggest and most difficult issue for a man to talk about – especially to a male Dr!

But alas I had to make an appointment and tell the Dr that the meds he had prescribed me had sent “Garry Senior” into hibernation*

I would rather stand in the center circle of a packed wembley stadium and announce I had soiled myself than have to speak to another person about problems with my manhood!

But I did it because I needed to.

3) Finding a lump on my left testicle

Probably even more embarrassing because this involved actual prodding and touching! Not just by the Dr but by the specialist and eventually the surgical team who had to remove the lump, which turned out to be a cyst.

It has left a nice scar but I decided for the sake of your eyes not to upload a picture 😀

 

4) Explaining that I wanted to kill myself

 

Embarrassing because men are meant to be the strong ones aren’t we? what a load of phooey! Best thing I ever done was admit how bad things had become for me.

 

Why am I sharing these with you?

It is because if I can have the strength to speak to my Dr about these things then why can’t someone like you?

I am no different to any other person out there, if you need help go and ask for it. It will not come and find you.

I can assure you that your Dr has seen it or heard it all before!

Remember asking for help is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness and it could be the best thing you have ever done and be the start of the recovery you was desperate for.

* Garry senior is not his real name. 😀

How Has Depression Changed You?

I would be interested to hear if people think having depression has changed their life for the better?

We all know about the negatives that come from depression but there are circumstances that can occur as a result of this illness that may have had an unexpected impact in a positive light. Something that may have happened due to your depression that would not have happened otherwise.

Let me explain

Before being diagnosed with depression I was moody, short tempered, closed off from people – especially my wife, unhappy, unwilling to try anything new that was not mafia wars. My days were basically consisting of sitting at the PC playing mafia wars with the occasional human interaction added in (grudgingly) and lets not forget the suicidal feelings as well

I could barely face up to my own problems let alone think about other peoples. The idea of making myself available to others as a person people could look up to and ask advice from was a million miles from being possible.

I did not really have an idea that I was even depressed, I was aware of some of the symptoms from dealing my Uncle but never took a real hard look at myself and saw the signs until it was almost too late.

I guess the biggest relief for me when the Dr told me I had depression because then I had a reason for my strange behaviour and change in personality. I remember leaving the Drs with a huge weight having been lifted after the appointment and this is why, for me, I find it so important to encourage people to see their Dr and get diagnosed. There is nothing worse than thinking there is something wrong with you but not knowing what it is!

To carry on with my explanation.

Without having depression I would never even considered writing a blog let alone books. The only thing in my BD (before depression) days I would have known to write about would have how to play mafia wars, or how to make money from mafia wars (I once had an online store where I sold weapons, accounts and other items to the tune of $1000 a month!) but now I spend my time researching depression, writing and even trying to be a fund raiser for charity with the poetry book.

This all from a purely about me standpoint if I look at my relationship with Sheryl I would say having depression has helped that blossom as well because she now knows why I was so moody, always so tired etc.

I am blessed to be married to such a wonderful woman, who shows understanding above and beyond expectations. Our marriage has never been better because I took the steps to get help rather than just continuing to deny I needed help. There are days when there is a strain because of my need to sleep when exhausted but she never complains and accepts me as I am these days. She is my best friend and I can talk to her about anything these days knowing she will give me unconditional love and support. The power of talking to your loved one cannot be underestimated especially with something like depression.

I am very fortunate to have her in my life especially as my immediate family are so selfish they don’t ever contact me, in fact in a recent discussion with Sheryl I told her that if anything happened to me that she was not to let them know because they play no part in my life. They would not know if I was dead or alive because unless I initiate contact with them I never hear from them. I do not have people like that in my life.

I feel sorry for Brandon and Elizabeth because they have no relationship with their grandparents, uncles and aunty from side of the family but it is not them missing out. Hell my family did not even congratulate me on writing a book when I told them about it.

Hmmm I seem to have gone off point again…

So as I was (attempting) to say I can look back at the last 6 months since officially being diagnosed as the most productive in my life. Without suffering from depression I would not be a blogger, an author, a confidante to others and for that I can say I am grateful that depression, and my fight against it, has helped to mold me  into the depressed moose I am today.

What good has happened to you?

 

Officially the Proudest Day of my Life!

Moose reading his paperbacks

 

Today is the proudest day of my life!

My paperbacks have finally arrived and you would not believe how emotional I am at seeing them!

All my hard work over the past few months did not feel real until this moment when I opened the parcel from Amazon and they there were!

I want to thank every single person who has supported me, be it with words of encouragement, or by buying my books because without the amazing support I receive from people these books would never have happened.

I have a spare copy of The Diary of The Depressed Moose I think I should sign it and list on Ebay could be worth a fortune 😀

Now I need to conquer my fear of leaving the flat for too long so I can sit on public transport reading the book laughing and crying at it to get some interest.

Big thank you to weegee who kindly donated the money for me to be able to buy my own books, yes I am that poor!

For the rest of the day I shall be known as the Grinning Like A Fool Moose