Aug 20 2012

The Truth Is…

 

The truth is I can’t do it anymore, can’t keep pretending I am doing better. I am tired, exhausted emotionally.

I am throwing myself into other projects, trying to take my mind of depression. Attempting to write a novel, already at 6000 words, using the escape from reality to justify the pretend smile on my face.

The strategy was working for a while, I was feeling happier. I really enjoy writing, no I LOVE, writing. This book I am writing is gonna kick ass! A best seller you mark my words (of course the reality is going to be different but I have to try some reverse psychology or I will never finish what I have started)

I’m back in the expecting too much from people phase. I don’t tweet unless it’s about my book, desperate to push people in its direction.  The reason why? The royalties from any sales would cover Christmas. Yes I said that word and it’s only August. A lot can happen between now and December but honestly I cannot see anything good happening in that time.

Since Sheryl and I have been together we have had nothing but bad luck. Things breaking that we cannot afford to replace, cars being broken into you name it and it has gone wrong for us. I cant see a way out today.

The weather has cooled down significantly today, it is now 7.40pm as I write this and of the 19 hours so far today I have been asleep about 12 of them. Not a big sleep of 12 hours though wake up after a couple of hours, feel miserable so go back to bed.  I don’t want to do anything, no writing, no interacting with people nothing. I want to be left alone to wallow but I am desperate for someone to do something to help me.  Fine poke away on Facebook but I would really appreciate a 2 line message asking how I am instead.

Today I feel like a broken man devoid of any passion, energy, motivation. Empty is probably the best way of describing me today.

I know it will pass and tomorrow could be different, if only I have the energy to plaster my smile on. Smile and the world smiles with you.

IBS has been visiting again the past few days, it had been gone a few weeks. I know its back because I ate cheese and then broke the land speed record trying to get to the toilet. Something else to bring me down. I’m tired of being positive, it is draining.

This week I have to go back to the work program again, albeit this time with the ESA specialist who seemed really nice when I spoke to him on the phone. He told me there would be no pressure on me to look for work as long as I am claim ESA but I don’t trust these people, don’t trust anyone in positions like this, designed to catch people out.

Surely it is not a coincidence that I feel like shit on the week that this appointment takes pace.

So I have some questions that I am hoping some of you can answer

1) if you had a laptop that you did not use anymore because 2 years ago you bought a new one, (in that two years you never touched the old one just kept it in the cupboard). If your brother asked for the laptop, even offered to buy it from you would you say no? If the roles were reversed I would give the laptop to my sister! am I being unreasonable?

I have found a little place, a secret bench tucked away from the world. I want a laptop so I can sit there and write with no distractions from internet, tv, kids & the world. Sigh….

2) why am I so desperate for people to talk to me, but so good as pushing people away?

3) why are am I either really up or really down? there is no medium ground its on or the other. 4 good days are ruined by 1 single bad day – thats how bad the bad days are!

Here is hoping tomorrow will bring a better day but seeing as the appointment that stresses me out is on Thursday I am not looking forward to this week!

The truth is today I feel lousy, alone and angry with myself.

And I am going to force myself back into my book and maybe answer some of my questions while I am at it.

40 comments on “The Truth Is…”

  1. Oh 😦 I’m sorry the depression has hit you hard where it hurts. I would give you the laptop. I’ve given my parents a laptop, and a TV, and a phone and god knows what else because they are family and if the technology is doing nothing why cling onto it? Sorry your sister is holding back. Did she actually say why? :/
    No wonder you’re stressing if you have that appointment. You just never know what those places are going to spring on you. I’ll be thinking of you and Thursday. Though you tend to drift through my thoughts every day anyway x

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  2. hi i’m really sorry you are feeling down today. remember, these feelings do pass. i think maybe you are pushing yourself too hard with all these projects, the books, the poetry compilation, the stresses of family commitments and also appointments. it took me several years since my most recent bout of depression hit for me to get on my feet again, it even took a year to get the correct diagnosis of bipolar rather than depression. hang in there, nurture yourself as well as you can, and try not to let the family get you down. i also wanted to ask, are you seeing a therapist? more than any medication i have taken, having someone to talk to every week has made such a huge difference in my recovery. all the best, c.

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  3. Hi mate
    I’ve not been good either been in my room fighting my own thoughts again,
    Sorry to read your feeling crap I know how that is, my benefit was stopped Friday, today had to go and make a new claim, yeah what fun can’t answer questions cos your head is screaming
    In reply to your first question
    I would sell it if I had newer one
    Because interaction is a way of helping us over the hurdles, only thing is when its there for me its being seen as weak, fear of what we share being used against us
    Lastly that is the middle ground your in, explanation your asking if your up or down, you’d know if was up and know if down as your unsure there’s the middle mate, caught in a rattle and being shaken
    Take it easy mate
    Sorry I’ve not spoken much

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  4. I’m sorry you are in a low at the minute, I do hope tomorrow is better 😉
    This question intrigued me “why am I so desperate for people to talk to me, but so good as pushing people away?” I know this feeling so so well. And I wish I knew the answer. I have friends who, when I am really low, start what they call the Siobhan watch, ringing or calling a few times a day to make sure I am still ok. They invite me to their houses for tea, or out for meals, and I always find a reason that I can’t go. I think for me, its anxiety, I am safe at home. Well I feel safer there anyways. I can control what happens within my walls for the most part.

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  5. Dear Moose,
    I am so sorry to read you are feeling so low. I do hope tomorrow is a better day. Sometimes if I take on to much it becomes overwhelming and I end up feeling worse. Maybe you just need to step back for a couple of days and regroup? I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way! 🙂

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  7. Moose, no one is positive all of the time. So, we aren’t expecting you to be. Like Red said, sometimes we just over do it and expect too much out of ourselves. I used to crave attention too and then shut the door on people a couple of days later. With me, I think I had been neglected growing up, and it felt like all my life but when I did get some attention, I also had (have) trust issues which made me slam the door on it. Maybe if you keep the attention you do get, at arms length for a while and not completely shut it out, you will find a happy medium. I am praying for you moose (((hugs)))

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  8. i don’t know if this is helpful or not, but hug your daughter…she is a good thing that has happened for you both, we can’t have children naturally and we lost 7 babies trying through IVF…just a gentle reminder in the midst of your pain that there is good. my heart goes out to you.

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  9. “Why am I so desperate for people to talk to me, but so good as pushing people away?”

    I do the same. For me, it’s because I feel like talking to others makes me weak and vulnerable, and that my friends are tired of my whining. Unfortunately, as much as they negate those thoughts I can’t seem to change my mind.

    Please know that I (among many others) read every one of your posts. Continue to use us as an outlet. WordPress is a weird but excellent little community.

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  10. Moose – I’m right there with you bub. Been trying to do too much to occupy me and the sadness is bringing me down. It gets to a point where you just gotta let it happen. Sometimes we run ourselves ragged. Just know you’re not alone. If you’re interested in an additional outlet, I’m part of the depression and anxiety group at dailystrength.org – it’s a great outlet for sharing and getting support.

    I’ve learned that bad vs. good days is a matter of me changing my perspective. It’s difficult and has taken me years to come to terms with the notion that when the depression comes I just take it in. Realize that it’s temporary and that I’ve had good days – and that more good days lie ahead. But it can be very hard when all I want to do is isolate, sleep, etc.

    Give yourself a bit of a break. You’ve been uber-busy.

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  11. Hi, I definitely understand that pushing people away thing, i’ve done that a lot in the past. It’s been a coping strategy so that I don’t get too close to people, perhaps it is for you in a similar way?

    Also understand what you’re saying about the mood swings, but mine just seem to swing from low to average in a couple of hours, so don’t seem too wild, probably due to the tablets.

    Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, maybe just taking things one day at a time right now, without looking too far ahead would help you? Sorry, i’m not trying to lecture you, I sometimes find that helps.

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  12. Hiya moose. I think I know how you are feeling, I have been feeling so low for a couple of days now feels like I am never going to lift,,,,It feels a bit like punishment for feeling very well and happy a few weeks ago.. if that makes any sense to you… my partner is so good and tries to understand but I also shut him out, not on purpose, just do not want to drag him down to my level…. I really hope you pick up soon am thinking of you..x

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  13. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way, and it’s so hard when it feels like nothing is going right. I know what you mean about the bad luck, myself and my partner always have the bad luck. I completely empathise with the IBS too 😦

    I hope that you can start feeling more postive soon Moose.

    R.E – Laptop – I wouldn’t say no if he wanted the laptop, what use would I have for it anymore? I wouldn’t ask for any money though.

    Maxi xx

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  14. Wow! Moose, you sure got a lot of replies on this post!! So, obviously, you have a lot of people that care.
    Your quote, “Why am I so desperate for people to talk to me, but so good at pushing people away?” intrigued me. Although I suffer from anxiety and not depression, I do the same thing. We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I think it has made me leery of truly letting people in.
    I guess we both know we need to let people in, but sabotage ourselves in one way or another. Old habits die hard.
    I’d probably give the laptop to my sibling. No charge. It would feel good to do that.

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  16. Hope you are feeling better soon. I know the ups and downs are horrible, but remember things will get better. It’s difficult to socialise when you feel like this, yet you want people to contact you so that you know they care, I completely get that and I’m the same a lot of the time. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself with the novel, poetry book etc, give it time and I’m sure it will be EPIC 🙂

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