My Alternative Olympic Games

Seeing as the Olympics are taking place 10 minutes away from where I live I thought I would stage my own Mental Health Olympics. These are the events I will be taking part in representing my country with pride.

This is just a lighthearted post so please do not take any offence and read too much into it!


The 100 meter toilet dash – race sponsored by “IBS r Us”  THE superstore for all your toiletry needs!

The Rules:

  • All “athletes” are fed a plate of cheese moments before the start
  • Toilet roll not permitted until after the finish line has been crossed
  • Standing start only as accidents may occur from a crouching position.


The 200 meters “Benefits officer” chase  

The Rules

  • The benefits officer who is meant to help you is given a 20 second head start
  • Runners must scream “I am gonna get you” with an evil smirk all the way round
  • Physical contact is not allowed!


The 400 meters “phone call dash”

The Rules

  • The Benefits office are calling and only the winner of the race can answer the call.
  • Anything goes to get to the call!
  • Playing dirty is expected


The 1500 meters “I can’t take it anymore” race

The Rules

  • Runners must hold their hands above their heads screaming “I can’t take it anymore”
  • Runners can run in any direction providing rule 1 is adhered to


The IBS Half Marathon

The Rules

  • Runners will be expected to clench all the way round the course
  • Runners found not clenching will be disqualified


The Passed around like a baton relay

The Rules

  • You have to speak to as many “helpful” people as possible in an allotted time while getting more and more frustrated.
  • Start with GP and see how many people pass you on to another department


The Useless, know it all smackathon challenge

The Rules

  • Contestants can get revenge on as many useless, unhelpful, “know it all” people they can in an allotted time
  • Points are awarded for head shots and arse kicking
  • Hands, fists, knees and feet are to be used only


I hate you Kick Boxing

The Rules

  • Contestants are allowed to choose an image of the one person who causes the most problems and place the image onto a box.
  • Box will be kicked until it has been destroyed
  • Person who destroys the box fastest is declared the winner


The “I’m gonna smash your face in” time trail

The Rules

  • Contestants use a pillow to punch and have 60 seconds to destroy it
  • points are awarded for number of punches that connect, number of feathers that leave the pillow and also gain “artistic points” for use of expletives


The “Get away from me” Toss

The Rules

  • That person who annoys you the most is picked up and thrown as far as possible
  • Points awarded for distance thrown with bonus points awarded for any one who manages to make the object land on their face


The Comfort Food challenge

The Rules

  • eat as much junk food as possible without being sick or feeling remorse
  • winner is person who eats most calories!


The Insomnia Marathon

The Rules

  • Person who stays awake longest wins
  • Incoherent rambling will result in disqualification


Synchronised Smiling

The Rules

  • Pairs must maintain a smile whilst saying “I’m good thank you!” to 100 people
  • Points are awarded for the length of the smile without people realising it is fake.
  • Instant disqualification for anyone whose smile drops


And that is just a few of the many events we have as part of our alternative Olympic games! I can only enter so many events myself so which event will you be entering yourself in?

As a side note please be aware that all competitors will be drug tested to ensure you are taking them!


I am proud to be representing Team Depression in these games our anthem is yet to be decided needless to say it won’t be something cheery! I have suggested a reworking of a famous anthem and calling it “Land of No Hope and Glory”

I will see you on the podium I am the one wearing the Gold medals!




41 comments on “My Alternative Olympic Games

  1. Lmao oh if ever there was something that made me smile its this
    Brilliant truly lol
    Think you got the toilet dash for sure lol
    Insomnia challenging I think I’d give anyone a good run on lol
    Is be the one used in the useless know it all smackathon challenge lol


  2. I’d like to enter the Useless Know-it-all Smackathon Challenge and also Synchronized Smiling event, although I must tell you I’ve been training for the Smiling event since I was a small child, so I might have an unfair advantage. Only time will tell!! 😀


  3. How about the Public Transport Marathon – competitors must enter a crowded bus or train carriage and remain on the same vehicle until the journey is completed. Points awarded for clean dismount at destination but taken away for any shaking, muttering, crying, soiling or early departure.


  4. Fab a dab. I much prefer your Olympics. I guess I’d represent team DID? See how many times you can switch in a three hour period? 😉


  5. The anthem for Team Prozac would have to be ‘Always look on the bright side of life’… for Team Bi-Polar it would be ‘Me and my shadow’…. For Team OCD it would be ‘5-4-3-2-1’…. I’ve got a good one for the Self-Harm team but I’m afraid to post it….. 😛


  6. Mummy’s little helper would be Team Valium…

    Team Addict’s anthem would be ‘Up, up and away’…

    Team Al Anon would be ‘Drink to me only with thine eyes’.

    I’ll get me strait jacket….


  7. Team Gender Dismorphia would be ‘Ch ch ch changes’

    Team SH would be ‘The first cut is the deepest’… sorry…. :-$


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