Seeing as the Olympics are taking place 10 minutes away from where I live I thought I would stage my own Mental Health Olympics. These are the events I will be taking part in representing my country with pride.
This is just a lighthearted post so please do not take any offence and read too much into it!
The 100 meter toilet dash – race sponsored by “IBS r Us” THE superstore for all your toiletry needs!
- All “athletes” are fed a plate of cheese moments before the start
- Toilet roll not permitted until after the finish line has been crossed
- Standing start only as accidents may occur from a crouching position.
The 200 meters “Benefits officer” chase
- The benefits officer who is meant to help you is given a 20 second head start
- Runners must scream “I am gonna get you” with an evil smirk all the way round
- Physical contact is not allowed!
The 400 meters “phone call dash”
- The Benefits office are calling and only the winner of the race can answer the call.
- Anything goes to get to the call!
- Playing dirty is expected
The 1500 meters “I can’t take it anymore” race
- Runners must hold their hands above their heads screaming “I can’t take it anymore”
- Runners can run in any direction providing rule 1 is adhered to
The IBS Half Marathon
- Runners will be expected to clench all the way round the course
- Runners found not clenching will be disqualified
The Passed around like a baton relay
- You have to speak to as many “helpful” people as possible in an allotted time while getting more and more frustrated.
- Start with GP and see how many people pass you on to another department
The Useless, know it all smackathon challenge
- Contestants can get revenge on as many useless, unhelpful, “know it all” people they can in an allotted time
- Points are awarded for head shots and arse kicking
- Hands, fists, knees and feet are to be used only
I hate you Kick Boxing
- Contestants are allowed to choose an image of the one person who causes the most problems and place the image onto a box.
- Box will be kicked until it has been destroyed
- Person who destroys the box fastest is declared the winner
The “I’m gonna smash your face in” time trail
- Contestants use a pillow to punch and have 60 seconds to destroy it
- points are awarded for number of punches that connect, number of feathers that leave the pillow and also gain “artistic points” for use of expletives
The “Get away from me” Toss
- That person who annoys you the most is picked up and thrown as far as possible
- Points awarded for distance thrown with bonus points awarded for any one who manages to make the object land on their face
The Comfort Food challenge
- eat as much junk food as possible without being sick or feeling remorse
- winner is person who eats most calories!
The Insomnia Marathon
- Person who stays awake longest wins
- Incoherent rambling will result in disqualification
- Pairs must maintain a smile whilst saying “I’m good thank you!” to 100 people
- Points are awarded for the length of the smile without people realising it is fake.
- Instant disqualification for anyone whose smile drops
And that is just a few of the many events we have as part of our alternative Olympic games! I can only enter so many events myself so which event will you be entering yourself in?
As a side note please be aware that all competitors will be drug tested to ensure you are taking them!
I am proud to be representing Team Depression in these games our anthem is yet to be decided needless to say it won’t be something cheery! I have suggested a reworking of a famous anthem and calling it “Land of No Hope and Glory”
I will see you on the podium I am the one wearing the Gold medals!