Why Wont They Leave Me Be?

Most of you don’t know the REAL me, you are learning snippets to form the picture but let me say I am usually a confident person. Not always a true reflection of how I am feeling but I am very good at painting the picture of confidence to hide the insecurities I feel on the inside.

On Monday I have to attend a “back to work session” appointment that has been made for me. As far as I am aware failure to attend will result in a loss of my benefits, BUT I started these sessions when I was on Job Seekers Allowance and now I am on the new Employment and Support Allowance or what is more commonly known as “on the sick”.

The problem here is that I will now be grilled about why I am not looking for work, how ill I really am and made to feel like a failure and a fraud all in the name of “helping me”.

To put across a balanced view this may not actually be the case however you try telling my head that because it is all I can think about and it is causing me a lot of stress!

I know I have signed up for a training course with Mind but that is different because I chose to sign up for it as opposed to being forced into it!

So here is the really “shitty” part of the problem, excuse the language but all will become clearly in a minute.

When I get stressed out over things like this my bowels go mental! I can’t leave the flat for too long as I constantly need to go to the toilet, and not for a number 1. I am averaging around 15 toilet visits a day at the moment and the only thing that has changed in the past few weeks is this appointment and it’s impending arrival!

This is a big part of my reluctance to leave the flat and go to far because I have soiled myself whilst out on more than a few times in the past year or so! Too much information I hear you all screaming but it is a major source of embarrassment for me as well as a massive worry!

Had the tests from the Dr and he can find nothing medically wrong so I know it is stress causing this problem. So now you understand why I don’t like going out or why just going to the shops is a big deal for me!

Yet I have to get on 2 buses there and 2 buses back with money I don’t have and travel for an hour each way whilst trying desperately to control my bowels. One stray cough and it will be the day from hell!

Hopefully Monday won’t be the daunting experience I expect it to be but in the meantime I still have 2 more days of stress, panic and toilet seats! The plus side is that Andrex are making a killing at the moment!


18 comments on “Why Wont They Leave Me Be?

  1. Are you on the Work criteria of ESA? Or are you just on the first 20 weeks?
    If it’s the second, don’t worry about it. They don’t force you into a job you cant do, they just let you know about all the employers that let sick people work for them. It’s basically things like corner shops and the like. “You can work here, we’ll provide a chair” and other patronising comments. It’s basically a “getting to know you” interview. They’ll ask about qualifications you’ve got, and any previous employment. You don’t have to go into detail about your problems. It’s basically like an agency.
    You just have to turn up, essentially.
    If it’s the first, then the same goes, but they will then teach you things about writing CV’s, and ask you what you want to do with your life.

    I do exactly the same thing r.e the toilet, my dietitian said to eat plain starchy foods before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up (i.e bread stuff and cereals) it seems to help. When I go through periods of high stress, fatty stuff makes it worse – like junk food. Usually I only have to curb it for a day, I’m not an advocate of diets at all (look what happened to me!).

    Hope this stuff helps.
    I’m on support rate of ESA now, but it took a long time to get on this one.


  2. I can’t say much about the benefit situation because whilst I should be on them right now I’m not simply because I can’t face the protocol needed to get through. Thus I have no money intake at all at the moment.
    But what I can say is about the IBS. Hav you been to your GP about it? I can relate but not nearly half as bad as it seems to be for you. Iv never been able to pluck up the courage to see my GP about it (running theme going on here) but they may be able to help? X


  3. I hope things all turn out all right! Do you ever do breathing exercises or meditations? I used to have anxiety that was a lot worse than it is now, and the most basic of meditations (called progressive relaxation, they have free versions online I think) helped immensely. Maybe if you felt less anxious, like you said, your body would have more of a relaxed response to things? Progressive relaxation basically just has you scan your body slowly with your attention, and at the end you feel very much more grounded. Just a thought, but either way, hope things turn out wonderful with as little stress as possible 🙂


  4. It makes me so angry that you have to jump through these ridiculous hoops when you’ve quite enough on your plate.

    I’m sorry its all making you ill. Next time I see Dave Cameron, I’ll poke him in the eye for you.

    WeeGee xx


  5. You might have guessed that I’m playing catch up with your blogs again. Soooooo….can I ask how this went or have you written a blog about this experience? I’m such a slacker! ha

    Just want to mention that Roxy had some good suggestions for your anxiety induced colitus. I recommend the “BRAT” diet whenever needed. You ask what is this diet? Eat the following to help bind you up.
    B ananas
    R ice (starch)
    A applesauce
    T toast also, crackers, pretzels (watch the salt!)
    Works great for children and many times for adults with issues.

    Anxiety can be a bitch. 🙂


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